Everyone has different goals, dreams and aspirations for their life. Ever since I was a little girl my biggest dream for my life was to be a mommy. I couldn’t wait to be a mom.
I was going to be the best mom there ever was in the entire world, loving my children more than I was ever loved and treating them kindly and making them feel like they were the most special children, treating them in ways that I was never treated. Once I became a mom, my life would be so perfect and I would be forever happy, so I thought.
I was teaching Special Education when I became pregnant with my first child at the age of 28 years old. I always loved the beauty of the miracle of pregnancy and I loved my beautiful baby growing inside of me inside of my tummy.
However, my mental illness symptoms began during my pregnancy and gradually and continuously became worse by the end of my pregnancy. My symptoms reached the peak of severity after giving birth to my first child.
I had to have a C-section and what happened was at the exact same second Dr. Bloom pulled my beautiful baby out of my womb he also pulled ALL of my feelings and emotions out with her. I didn’t feel any emotions anymore.
When they were sewing up my C-section incision on my belly, I didn’t feel good. I just didn’t feel right.I knew something was wrong with me,but I didn’t know what it was. I never felt this way before. After having so many medications and going through so much to give birth I thought maybe that was why I was feeling the way I was and was so sick and miserable.
Praise God, my beautiful baby girl, Kylie Rose, is healthy. The only problem is that her mother is not healthy. No one knew that I was not healthy because they couldn’t see it. It was an invisible illness. The problem was hidden on the inside. Everything looked good from the outside, at least I looked like a woman is supposed to look like after just having a C-section. However, I knew something was wrong with me. I didn’t know what it was and I could never tell anyone how I felt.
This was supposed to be the happiest day of my life. I had been waiting for this day forever, since I was a little a girl. Now the magical miracle event has happened and there is something wrong with me. I don’t feel the way I am supposed to feel What is wrong with me? Who have I become? Who am I?
I didn’t feel anything anymore. I felt no joy, happiness, sadness or even anger. I was void of all emotions at the time, feeling numb and I becoming nothing. I was an empty carcus of a human being, an empty being pretending to be real. I was the walking dead, if I could even muster up the energy to walk. I was no longer a real person.
When people would say something that used to make me smile, I would smile even though I didn’t feel like smiling. If someone told a joke I would normally laughed at, I would laugh even though I didn’t think it was funny or feel like laughing.
I barely had the strength to form my mouth upwards into the shape of a smile or the energy to make a joyful noise that sounded like a laugh , but I made myself do it somehow, sometimes. I tried to wear a mask and a costume to hide and cover up what was really going on inside of me. I was a master at pretending and master of disguise.
I was too embarrassed to tell anyone what was going on inside me. Having a baby was supposed to be the happiest day of my life. I thought it would have been too, but somehow for some unknown reason to me at the time everything inside me changed forever and I was never the same again.
Eventually, my OB Doctor diagnosed me with Post-partum depression and gave me anti-depressant medications. After a few appointments with the OB doctor he realized he could not help me so he sent me to the psychiatrist who then diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder 1. He prescribed new medications for me and I started to see a therapist as well.
I had no idea what Bipolar Disorder was at that time, but eventually I would soon learn everything about it and that it would forever change my life. What I once knew as my normal and my normal life would never be the same again. This was the beginning to the end of me and my life as I once knew it.