My Patience is Wearing Thin and is Stirring Up My Anxiety

I am not good at waiting–especially when there is nothing else I can do to change the outcome. If I gave it everything I had, all I can do is pray and pray some more and wait and pray and wait some more and try to distract myself in any way I can–like by writing as I am doing now.

My anxiety is stirred up inside a little bit which has not happened for a long time. I am just waiting, hanging on by a thread for changes I know I need to have happen in my life. Changes that if they occurred would make me so happy. I am ready for newness, like the beautiful new spring weather we are having–it is time for new beginnings for me. I am ready–so ready I could explode. I feel like it is my time and it will happen, but when? I am ready for new changes to take place so I can be the person I want to be. I keep working on me but I am ready for so much more.

I am working on this! Yikes!!!

I think one thing I am dreaming about that I could do something about is promoting me–promoting my speaking engagements. I spoke in the past, about four to five years ago as a NAMI presenter. When I spoke, I spoke with another NAMI presenter at the same time and we had guidelines to follow from NAMI. I liked that to an extent, but I of course had a lot more to say and now I have even more to say.

When I spoke for NAMI before, I had someone who coordinated the speaking engagements. This time I am the person–me alone that needs to make this happen and happen in the way I dream for it to happen but…

“A goal without a plan is just a wish.” ~Antoine De Saint Exupery

…and a dream without concrete goals to make it happen will not be anything other than a daydream of fanciful thoughts that will amount to nothing. I don’t want that to happen. So, I must take my dream of speaking again, break it into smaller obtainable goals and make a plan to make each goal happen.

First of all, I need to start making phone calls and writing emails. It will be a fun new project and goal. I think I am ready.

I don’t want my dream to be just a fantasy. I want my dream to become a reality in the near future.

While I am praying and waiting for an agent or publisher to notify me with good news I can be in the process of working on my other dream of speaking again–making a difference in the lives of many. I want what I went through to mean something that matters and benefits others. I must make it happen.

The other thing I am waiting for is a new part-time job. I need to get out of my other job NOW. It is a hot mess I can no longer be apart of. I have learned how short life is and I feel like I have lost about twenty years of my life so I have a lot of years to make up.

Part of my mental health recovery and maintaining wellness is centering my life around positivity and the job I am at is far from positive and is a negative trap I can’t be a part of.

I am not sure if it is because of everything I have been through but I can hardly stand the thought of going there another day–it is that bad. There is too much wrong with it for me to explain it all. It is not a good fit for me or my mental wellness. I need out. I am praying and so worried about getting this new job I just interviewed for.

Part of me wants to put my two-week notice in today to be fair to the job because I know I do not want to stay there at all anymore. I can’t take a chance of it effecting me negatively mentally. I am afraid it could and that frightens me greatly. The problem is I do not have another part-time job. I think I could get one immediately if I just did home health care. So, what to do? Yikes.

To put it in a nut shell–people leave jobs mostly because of the management. It starts at the top and the sticky syrup flows to the bottom of the bowl becoming larger and stickier as the top keeps adding more sticky layers of syrup to his bowl of dysfunction–bringing others with him or her and never cleaning out the bottom of the bowl.

I am also waiting to see if I am approved for the apartment I applied for. I really want this one.

All of my worry is related to living a mental illness life–the shame has resurfaced–the mistakes I made at my sickest–on paper can make me not look like the person I really am. My credit is not as good as it would be if I never got sick and I even have a criminaL record that was reduced down to a simple forfeiture but it still shows up like I am a criminal and it comes back to haunt me–that is because of my ex-husband (long story–maybe will be in my second book–just kidding, kind of.)

Yikes. I am just worried and need to start positively self talking with myself to stop worrying because I know there is nothing I can do about it. No need to worry about things I cannot change and I can’t change my past. I can only pray at this point for some of the things going on in my life right now and for the rest I need to pray that I make the right decisions.

Just too much to worry about, so I must pray, pray, pray…

Thanks for reading and letting me vent and sort out my thoughts the best I can. It helped a little but my mind is still all over the place.

I pray I will get some good news. I am ready for it and I have been so patient. It seems like I have been patient anyway…

My patience is beginning to wear a little thin but I will continue to figure out how to make some new thick layers of patience. I do not want to but I might not have a choice. Ugh.

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