Hello my dear friends. I am writing this today because I need a little pick me up and writing has always helped me in the past. Plus, I miss all of you. I miss writing on my blog and reading other blogs, but I have been so busy trying to accomplish so many other goals.
Today I decided I needed all of you. I needed a good listener or two or ten and you are the best listeners I have ever had. So many of you saved my life–literally. You know who you are and I am FOREVER grateful for you. My new friends and followers continue to save my life and renew my spirit.
It has been a long time since I felt this way–sad and a little depressed to the point that I just can’t get going. I don’t want to do anything–I just want to do nothing. I feel sad–feel like I could cry but not quite to that point. That old familiar feeling of feeling sad but don’t know why.
Dear sadness–melancholy why are here visiting me again? I know you, but don’t need you anymore. I never did. I have too much to do, so I can’t do anything–my mind is feeling discombobulated and I feel stuck in a limbo of getting a little done but never accomplishing much of anything completely lately. I feel sad–melancholy–an unwelcome old friend I suppose and I do not miss it. It has come back to visit with a hint of what I lived with often for too many years.
When I am reminded of the severe pain I endured and overcame, I must pat myself on the back for surviving–as all of you should do as well. Please do it right now. Go ahead. Pat yourselves on the backs. You are all amazing survivors no matter where you are in your recovery. Keep going and toot your horn very LOUDLY for everyone to hear. Go ahead… do it now… Okay. Sorry, I digress.
When I was in the middle of my mental illness, I felt I had no other choice–I had to figure out how to cope with my pain for the rest of my life. It was so difficult. Some days I did not know if I could survive another second of the pain and I never knew if it would go away or even improve. As you all know when you are in the middle of it, it does not seem liken the pain will ever end.
Then the miracle that almost ended my life occurred and I was freed from my destructive unbearable symptoms of mental illness. My suicide attempt saved my life–literally it did. So many little events–little miracles occurred that led me to my suicide attempt, huge miracles occurred on the day of my suicide attempt to save my life and many more miracles occurred after my suicide attempt. All I can say for all of that is… Praise God! Hallelujah and I am blessed beyond measure!
Everything eventually led me to become psychotropic medication free. This was a slow arduous painful process, but was well worth every second of the journey of hell I experienced because the joy and peace I feel being psychotropic medication free is a beauty I do not have words perfect enough to express the enormity and jubilance of this blessing.
Every day my brain continues to transform back to a new normalcy–my new normal. The brain is an amazing organ that can heal and renew. My memory is improving with better clarity, focus, recall and new memories have resurfaced. I have had to relearn things that I lost living a mental illness life for over twenty-six years. I lost a lot during this time. I am still relearning things and making new goals. One I need to work on is learning how to have friends again. That is one I will continue to work on after I get a new place to live and prayerfully find a better and more positive part-time job that suits me better.
Even though I know how blessed I am to be alive and mentally well, occasionally I have to fight negative thoughts from the past. I must fight through them and try to not go back there for too long or stay at all. I have to escape from the pain of my past and the destruction that living my mental illness life caused. It is hard to face that some days but I keep going because I must. This is my life now and I am trying to make it the best I can.
It is like I am an infant with a new life. The only problem is I don’t have over 80 more years to live my life but hopefully have at least a good 40 more instead, still.
Sometimes I get inpatient, like now. I am working hard to make things better. It has only been a year and a month since my suicide attempt and being med. free, but I am ready for my new beginnings–more new beginnings. I want to make my children proud and I want to show the people who threw me away and said I would never be anything that I am so much more than they thought. I want to prove to the nay sayers how wrong they were!
My brother and sister in-law laughed at me. I mean belly laughed at me when I said I was writing my book–a memoir. I felt so bad when they did that. Another slap on my face–one of the many I have received since my mental illness diagnosis.
I want to get my book published and start giving presentations again. I want to help people so they do not have to go through what I did.
I know everyone is different but I want to help other people get off benzodiazepines. It was the best thing I ever did for my life. I want other people to know it is possible for them too. It is my new mission to educate the masses about the dangers of Benzos. I must figure out how to spread the word to help people understand the dangers of benzo use and to truly know the beauty of becoming benzo free.
Last night I experienced some flash backs of bad experiences of living my mental illness life and today the “my life is still hard,” “the what ifs” and “could have been” thoughts got the best of me. I know I need to make them go away and I am working on it. Even though I am doing so much better than I ever have, sometimes I still struggle.
It is amazing to be mentally well but it is a new kind of struggle to learn how to live with my new life and figure out how to move forward while facing the reality of how living a mental illness life damaged my life and destroyed my dreams. I won’t let it interfere with what it will do to my future. I must make new and improved dreams come true now. A good future here I come. I just have to be more patient, but I am ready for my dreams to come true.
I am sending my manuscripts (yes plural) to agents and the few publishers that accept unsolicited manuscripts. This is my list of current manuscripts:
- My memoir–SHAME ATE MY SOUL: RISING ABOVE THE STIGMA OF MENTAL ILLNESS, SUICIDE ATTEMPTS AND ADDICTION
- My poetry book–MY MOSAIC OF LIFE: A POETRY COLLECTION OF MENTAL HEALTH, RECOVERY AND HOPE.
- Children’s picture book–THE FLIES DID NOT FLEE.
- Children’s picture book–LOST BALLOONS.
Please see this → post I wrote explaining my books and how they came to fruition. Thank you in advance.
Thank you for reading and listening. I feel so much better.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I appreciate all of you.
YOU ARE ALL FABULOUS!
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