Please read if you have time. This will catch you up to half speed (almost) of what has been happening in my life lately and the reason I wrote my poem yesterday titled A Skipping Stone.
I have not written very much lately. I finished writing my memoir, query letter, synopsis and outline and have submitted them accordingly to about fifteen agents, so far. I am also compiling my best poetry into a book format for a contest I found. It doesn’t hurt to try. There is no fee, so why not try? I desperately need money, so I keep trying. Trying to improve my life has given me something to shoot for–to hope for. I want nothing more to make my children proud of me and to be honest–want to do something I can be proud of.
After living a mental illness life for twenty-five years, I am carless (mine broke beyond repair about four months ago and I have been blessed that my daughter and son-in-law are letting me share theirs), I have little money (tax refund will be an answer to my prayers–if and when I get it), I have no home (I have been living with my daughter and son in-law since August–they are kind and wanted to help me save some money and pay off some of my loans etc.) and I have no friends (working on that–eventually–hopefully someday soon).
I have exciting news I meant to share earlier but have been busy and haven’t written on my blog lately. Drum roll please… my daughter Kylie and her husband Dennis are having their first baby in July and I will be a Grandma for the first time. I found out at Christmas. It is the best Christmas gift ever. I am super excited for my growing family and I know I am so beyond blessed. I can’t wait to have a grandchild to love up.
It hurts me to burden my children by living with them and using their car. My youngest daughter, Alexia has even moved in as well. She went to college this past fall but has decided to transfer to a different (cheaper) college next fall and is now working to save money etc.
I am holding on by a wing and a prayer. I am very anxious about getting my taxes back. Normally, I would just be happy they were coming and patiently wait for my refund to arrive. But this time it is different and has caused me so much worry and stress. I try to tell myself not to worry as there is nothing I can do to change the outcome at this time. Many times during my bouts of anxiety I can become frozen. With this set back so many past habits and fears of how I lived for so long come back to haunt me and it scares me.
Even though I am doing amazingly well, I still get occasional suicidal thoughts. My first suicidal thoughts did not occur until after I started taking psychotropic medications over twenty-five years ago. Now I am not on any medications but after having suicidal thoughts for so many years, I believe it has become an inborn kind of trait? or a learned behavior–part of my subconscious. When I have a setback or thoughts of a possible setback, suicidal thoughts plague my mind.
When I am upset, stressed or depressed, thoughts of suicide are a source of comfort for me. If I feel like I can’t endure a situation, I instantaneously think of suicide. I know that is awful, but the thoughts don’t last long. They go away. It is still troublesome however. I am perplexed by the notion of why this occurs. Does this happen to anyone else? Is this normal since it was a source of comfort for me during my severe episodes?
It is scary when it occurs because I know where it could lead. Since my last suicide attempt, my suicidal ideations have only occurred about five times (rough estimate) and last very briefly–maybe from an hour to a few hours to two days at the most. This is a huge improvement and blessing from a year ago.
My last suicide attempt was nearly a year ago and that was when I was forced to stop taking Klonopin cold turkey. I have been psychotropic medication free for almost a year now and I have been doing well for the most part. I have been working very hard to make a better life for myself but then flashes of my reality slap me hard in the face sometimes and I have to climb my way back out. It is very painful at times and I am sick of the bad stuff and ready for the good.
I don’t understand why life can’t just be easy. I lived a difficult life already. Isn’t my turn to have a good life now??? I am ready for it. When life gets hard, it is not like it is hard for the first time, it is hard for the millionth time and how can I keep fighting back. Sometimes I feel like I can’t keep doing it. Please don’t worry. I am still fighting but as you all know it gets so hard sometimes. I am sure it does for everyone some time or another but it seems like living a mental illness life there are so many more battles that need to be fought and struggles to overcome. I don’t mean to whine because I know I have so much to be thankful for but sometimes it is difficult. I haven’t given up on a better future and I haven’t given up on life.
If I don’t get my tax refund (it could be intercepted for reasons I will explain later) then I am in trouble. I was counting on that money. If I get my tax refund money then I can buy my car and finally move out of my daughter’s home and give her back her life she deserves to live without having to live with her mother in her first owned home anticipating the arrival of her first child.
I wrote a lot of this post yesterday, but wanted to share the thoughts I had as I have not written lately. I feel better than yesterday but wanted to share my post from yesterday. Most of my recent past posts have been positive as that is what I am trying to be and have been having many good days. But I want to keep it real to let you know as much as I am trying to remain positive and life is going so much better I struggle at times. I have to keep fighting to stay positive. It is hard work–a work in progress. Everyday can be a struggle but I keep plowing (out of the snow lol) and keep my head up–proud as silly peacock because I know how much I have overcome and how blessed I am to be alive.
As many of you know I wear my emotions on my sleeve and share what I feel. I also think I still rapid cycle but not as severely as before. My moods still fluctuate quickly. Is it bipolar or is it just me? I am not sure, but whatever the reason it is manageable right now. My mental health is so much better, though. I am very blessed in so many ways. God is good.
I guess recovery is like faith. It changes and has its peaks and valleys. It is never a single yellow brick road, but a bumpy dirt road full of potholes and dead ends and u-turns and then sometimes the roads lead you to beautiful sunsets and places full of peace, love, joy and beauty.
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