Because I am finishing the last chapter of my memoir, I ‘ve had to revisit that dreadful day on February 17, 2018 when I almost died from my suicide attempt. It is painful and difficult, but it is definitely an important step necessary to complete writing my final chapter in my memoir.
I have been reading blog posts and poems I wrote from that period of my life. I was very ill. The words are there. It is spelled out. I was being completely honest. I’d like to share a couple of poems I wrote days before my attempt. The first is a poem (and some words) I wrote on February 15, 2018 when I was in Stage 4 of my mental illness in a severe suicidal depression—two days before my suicide attempt.
My Costume of Wellness
I wear a costume of wellness even when I am not well
to hide my pain, shame and secrets I’m afraid to tell.
Sometimes my costume of wellness becomes tattered and torn.
When my bipolar show’s through, no wellness is worn.
Sometimes my bipolar symptoms become too severe,
so I can no longer wear a costume of wellness and cheer
that disguises my pain
and many years of disdain.
Mania and severe depression become too difficult to hide
as I contemplate deep dark morbid thoughts of suicide.
Sometimes my costume of wellness does not fit at all.
Sometimes I am incapable of putting on a costume of wellness.
Sometimes I can’t even get dressed.
Sometimes I can’t get out of bed.
Sometimes I don’t want to live,
or even take a breath of life.
There is no costume for that.
~written by Sue Walz
I wish I never had to wear a wellness costume.
I wish I was well.
One minute at a time is all I can do today.
Love and hugs, Sue
The following is a poem I wrote on February 14, 2018—
three days before my suicide attempt.
*****
Suspicious of Love
I am suspicious of love,
because I am unloved.
I am suspicious of love,
because I am unlovable.
I am suspicious of love
because I am alone and lonely.
I am suspicious of love
because I have been hurt and wounded too many times.
I am suspicious of the words “I love you” because they are only words,
and almost meaningless unless combined with actions of love.
I am suspicious of love,
because words, behaviors and actions
have broken and shattered my heart.
I am suspicious of love,
because I have been forced to build an armor of concrete
to protect myself and shield me from love,
so no one can hurt me again.
~written by Susan Walz
February 14, 2018
Written yesterday Tuesday, October 9 2018…
I am Loved
I am no longer suspicious of love
for I am loved from within and above.
Jesus enhanced my love for myself and livin’,
pains of the past and sinful ways forgiven.
~written by Susan Walz October 9, 2018
What a difference a few months make.
What a huge difference and impact God has made in my life.
Recovery and mental wellness are possible. I am living proof of that.
There is HOPE for EVERYONE...
For the people who hurt me…
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