“I don’t think you have bipolar disorder.” Dr. S. told me.
“But I had all the symptoms for years.” I said feeling confused.
Most of your symptoms were reactions from years of damage caused from Klonopin use.” Dr. S. my new psychiatrist explained.
“But, I had a full-blown manic episode after I went off all my medications years ago.”
“That was caused from going off Klonopin cold turkey. Klonopin withdrawals are quite dangerous and severe.” Dr. S. added.
“Then what do I have?’ I asked him.
“You have Borderline Personality Disorder.”
“Ugh. I always thought that was like an insult to my personality.” I replied.
“I can give you information about that at your next visit.” he answered. And you do have PTSD and generalized anxiety disorder, as well.”
Ugh. I thought to myself. I have been given the personality disorder diagnosis before but not as my primary diagnosis. This is a lot to take in. It took me years to accept that I have bipolar disorder and now I have to accept this diagnosis and let this all sink in.
Years of being given medications to treat bipolar disorder that I do not have? It kind of makes sense but then at the same time it doesn’t. Maybe that was why I was medication resistant to bipolar medications. They were giving me medications to treat an illness I didn’t have? Maybe. Who knows.
This is what I know to be true. I had anxiety and PTSD symptoms since I was a young child. After I gave birth to my first child I became completely undone. Immediately after they pulled my Kylie out of my womb, there was almost a moment in time that something clicked inside myself and every emotion that separates us from the animals and makes us loving human beings vanished into thin air. I had no feelings or emotions. Everything that made me who I was had left. I was gone. Who was I? What was going on? I felt detached from myself and my body. I was never the same again after that moment.
They initially gave me Prozac to treat my postpartum depression which I know for a fact that I had and possibly also postpartum PTSD from a traumatic pregnancy and delivery. Prozac was not helping but made me worse by causing increased anxiety and manic-like symptoms.
When I was referred to a psychiatrist for the first time he diagnosed me with bipolar disorder and prescribed Paxil and Klonopin. Then the psychotropic medication cocktail hell began and the rest is an ugly and scary history. .
My medications were prescribed to me like I was playing Russian roulette. I was given new medications before the severe and painful side effects from the other medications were out of my system.
I was over medicated for years and was then basically told to go live my life. What was wrong with me that I couldn’t live my life? I was given enough medications to kill a horse. How am I supposed to live my life? I couldn’t and didn’t. The cycle was vicious and did not work.
I was always too sensitive to psychotropic medications. I was medication resistant. It took over two decades before the this horrific “eeny-meeny-miney-moe” medication game concluded. I was also given over one-hundred ECTs to save my life. I was fighting to live so I did whatever they suggested to try to survive. Meanwhile damages to my brain, body and life took a toll on everyone and everything around me.
My new psychiatrist recently told me I must be very resilient to survive and overcome the many things I did. He has also told me more than once that I was lucky to have survived going off Klonopin cold turkey twice in my life. Blessed is the key word. I am very blessed to be alive and to be doing as well as I am.
The biggest thing that helped me and changed my life was God. I became born again and gave my life to God. I always believed in God, but it wasn’t until I surrendered my life completely to God that my life improved and changed the most.
I pray often and live my life for Jesus. I stay away from the past and try to surround myself with positive people and things. I have today and tomorrow to serve the Lord and that is what I try to do. I try to live my life for Jesus and do what Jesus would do. This was not a straight, smooth and one-stop road but is a winding, twisting path.
For many years, but especially the last five years, I have had many people pray for me and lay their hands on me and pray for healing. I fully believe in the power of prayer.
My new p-doc says I do not have bipolar disorder. However, I believe I have had bipolar disorder. I had too many signs and symptoms of it for years. Maybe he cannot diagnose me with bipolar disorder now because I do not have it right now—not anymore. Maybe I have been healed of it. When there are no explanations for something I believe it is God.
When there are no other explanations, it must be God. No matter if it was a misdiagnosis, healing or if my brain has transformed and improved over the years for the better, the main point of focus is that I AM BETTER.
I have not taken psychotropic medications for over five months and I am doing very well. In fact, I feel better than I have in over 25 years. At this stage in my life after over 25 years of living with severe mental illness, I have little to NO ANXIETY. There are no psychotropic medications hindering my brain from performing the way it is supposed to. It is beyond beautiful. I have more clarity and can focus on the beauty of life. I am free from a mental fog and haze. There is no cloudy film covering my view of the beauty of the world and my life. My thoughts are my own. THIS IS ME.
Please remember, this is my journey. I needed medications for a while and even though they were difficult for me to take I know they helped me somehow. But after 25 years being medication free is working best for me now.
I want to be a source of inspiration for all of you. I want to be the example and inspiration that there is HOPE. Your journey may take you down the path to becoming medication free or not. Either way your mental illness CAN AND WILL GET BETTER. I am living proof of that. Keep fighting. You will make it.
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