Change Means it’s Time For Me to Be Brave Again

I am not exactly sure why I am having such a hard time right now but I am. Before I start my ramble here I would to thank everyone that is reading this. I want to thank each and every one of who follows my blog and everyone who is reading my words for the first time. I want you to know that I love all of you because you are my therapists, my friends, my healers, my confidants, my trusted many, my heroes and my inspiration.

I haven’t shared everything that is happening in my life lately, but there is a lot. My mental health I think is actually quite good, but I am going through “normal” difficult things at this turning point in my life. Many big changes occurring all at once.

I have always been an emotional person. I feel more and deeper than most people I know. I am not sure if it is related to my mental illness or is the cause of it or vice versa or both. Sometimes it is a beautiful thing to feel so much at such an intense level. At other times it is a catalyst for destruction of the life I try to live well. Feeling too much for others hurts seemingly unnecessarily at times.

Let me get back on track and the reason for my rant. My beautiful youngest daughter Alexia is graduating from High School tomorrow. I am not sure why but it is making me very emotional. Too many emotions and feelings and reflections of her life and mine intertwined together into a messy bun with not enough fasteners to keep it in place.

Where is my life going? Where is her life going? I want her to have the best of everything. She deserves it. Can I make it happen for her?  Can I be as strong as I need to be for her. I pray she has the best life. She deserves it. It is her turn.

Alexia Walz Yearbook

My Alexia is the strongest, most resilient, most beautiful, compassionate, kindest, calmest in a storm kind of person I have ever met. She is going to go to the University of Minnesota next year to attend college. It is a beautiful University and is her dream. She deserves to be there. I pray it will all work out for her. I pray we have enough money from student loans so she can attend. She deserves it.

I pray this is the beginning of a fabulous golden life for her starting at the University of Minnesota as a Golden Gopher.

Also, she turns 18 on June 4th and because she turns 18 my social security disability will be reduced by $700.00 each month for the first time. That is a huge chunk of change—cut in pay. Somehow I must survive on less money. I must move out and find a smaller and cheaper place to live. I must be creative and learn to live on less income. I haven’t found a new place to live but it must happen. I will look again next week.

There are a lot of changes coming soon. They make me nervous. Change is hard to adjust to sometimes. I pray it will all work out and I can be strong enough for it to all happen. Most of all I pray my Alexia will be able to live the life she sooo… deserves to have.

I love you Alexia.

Alexia 2

The reason I thanked all of you at the beginning of this ramble is because I was having a very difficult moment earlier this morning and felt much better after writing and sharing the post titled “Shh…. That is Stigma.” Please take a read if you would like to.

I should be cleaning my house and decorating and cooking etc. For some reason I felt I felt the need to write more and share my words again. Writing is very therapeutic for me and I am hoping after writing my many words to you, my wonderful blogging friends, that the therapeutic effect of writing will calm my many thoughts and nerves and make them blend together peacefully into one goal accomplishing thought.

I need to stop stalling and get to work on my many pre-graduation things. Putting them off will not stop my Alexia from graduating tomorrow.

Since I woke up this morning, I went through my many mixed up emotions and decided I needed to listen to my anthem. All these words apply to me because I often feel like a misfit because of my bipolar diagnosis and the stigma that is attached to it.

Please welcome me into the empty nest syndrome. Here I come…

I am here…

This is me…

This is my Alexia. Here she comes world. Please be kind to her and LOVE HER!

“When the sharpest words want to cut me down, I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown ’em out.

I am brave. I am bruised. I am who I am meant to be.

This is me.

Look out ’cause here I come And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
Look out because here I come.
Well, fire away ’cause today, I won’t let the shame sink in
We are bursting through the barricades and
Reaching for the sun (we are warriors)
Theres nothing I am not worthy of…”
 

This Is Me (Lyrics)

Keala Settle, The Greatest Showman Ensemble

I am not a stranger to the dark

Hide away, they say

‘Cause we don’t want your broken parts

I’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars

Run away, they say

No one’ll love you as you areBut I won’t let them break me down to dust

I know that there’s a place for us

For we are gloriousWhen the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out

I am brave, I am bruised

I am who I’m meant to be, this is me

Look out ’cause here I come

And I’m marching on to the beat I drum

I’m not scared to be seen

I make no apologies, this is me

Oh-oh-oh-ohOh-oh-oh-ohOh-oh-oh-ohOh-oh-oh-ohOh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh

Another round of bullets hits my skin

Well, fire away ’cause today, I won’t let the shame sink in

We are bursting through the barricades and Reaching for the sun (we are warriors)

Yeah, that’s what we’ve become (yeah, that’s what we’ve become)

I won’t let them break me down to dust

I know that there’s a place for us

For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out

I am brave, I am bruised I am who I’m meant to be, this is me

Look out ’cause here I come

And I’m marching on to the beat I drum

I’m not scared to be seen

I make no apologies, this is me

Oh-oh-oh-ohOh-oh-oh-ohOh-oh-oh-ohOh-oh-oh-ohOh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh

This is me and I know that I deserve your love(Oh-oh-oh-oh) ’cause there’s nothing I’m not worthy of(Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh)

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out

This is brave, this is proof

This is who I’m meant to be, this is me

Look out ’cause here I come (look out ’cause here I come)

And I’m marching on to the beat I drum (marching on, marching, marching on)

I’m not scared to be seen I make no apologies, this is me

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out

I’m gonna send a flood Gonna drown them out Oh

This is me

Songwriters: Justin Paul / Benj Pasek

This Is Me lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.

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