I am very sorry I scared everyone. I am in the psychiatric hospital in Rochester, Minnesota right now. I only get half an hour a day on the computer, so I will try to write as much and as well as I can in that little bit of time.
I think it was about a week ago now, when I took about 130 pills or more of mostly Klonipin, and handfuls of Ambien and Depakote, which I thought was a lethal amount. Unfortunately, I truly did want to end my life at that time. I was ready to die.
I prayed to God. He told me it was okay and that it was my time. I had suffered enough on earth. That was what my mind was telling me at the time. I asked God to give me a sign, any sign to stay alive and I did not see any. I knew it was my time to die. I was ready for it, completely ready in my mind and heart to die.
I felt completely at peace, a peaceful beauty overcame me.
It was as if voices were telling me to die. It was what I had to do. It was the lie my brain was telling me inside my mind. My perception was wrong, but my perception was all I had. My perception became my reality. I did not know at that moment in my life that my perception was completely wrong and was a lie. I was very ill and my illness had basically taken over my thoughts and actions.
I am very sorry I scared everyone. The letter was honestly not a cry for help. It was real.
I thought I was going to die and it would be the last time I would be able to type my thoughts and words.
I planned on taking all my pills and I knew I didn’t have much time left to write my letters. I wanted to write a letter to my children and all my blogger friends. So, that is what I did.
After I took all of my pills I waited as long as I could, before I hit the post button.
I forgot that the blog automatically goes to Twitter and Facebook, and I forgot to block that from happening, as I was not thinking clearly, obviously.
I am very sorry about that.
I have not had time to read your comments yet as thirty minutes of computer time does not allow much time for anything, other than writing a short and not very well written post.
Thank you everyone for caring and for your help and prayers. I appreciate them greatly. I love you all.
Thank you again for caring so much. I love you all.
Many blessings, much love and huge hugs, always and forever.
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