I Lost Memories From ECTs, but Gained So Much More – My Life

my loud whispers of hope, , , , , , , , , ,

There must be a cavity inside my brain where my memories used to be,

a large empty hole in my heart where my most cherished memories were removed.

Missing memories of my children, when they were young and small, and older too,

happy memories of experiences I lived,

knowledge I once learned and obtained,

all vanished, gone, permanently taken away.

I would love to revisit my cherished memories from time to time, but I cannot.

Many memories have vanished, evaporated into thin air, permanently erased from the memory bank inside my brain.

Are my memories floating around somewhere?

Floating in a helium balloon just out of my reach?

If I tried harder and reached higher, could I grasp my memories and get them back?

Some of my memories are permanently erased, evaporated into thin air, never to return.

When someone talks about events from my past, sometimes little thoughts and glimpses of those memories will reappear briefly, but mostly they are gone.

I began losing memories from my past and knowledge I had learned,

over twenty years ago, when my ECT treatments began.

Doctors told me my memory loss would be temporary,

and for some maybe it is,

but a lot of my memory loss was permanent.

Experiences I had near the times of my numerous ECT treatments were gone,

as if I had never lived them,

as if they had never happened.

Since I had over one hundred ECTS, that is a lot of memories lost, stolen and missing.

I had severe side effects, adverse reactions and am resistant to medications used to treat my severe bipolar 1 disorder.

Having over one hundred ECTs, throughout a twenty year time period, was my only treatment option, the last resort to fight my severe bipolar symptoms and save my life.

Electroconvulsive therapy treatments were essential for saving my life.

ECTs caused me to lose many precious memories, some cognition, knowledge and sometimes my ability to recall words is very difficult,

but I am thankful for ECTs.

I am thankful and blessed that ECTs were an effective treatment for me.

Memory loss is nothing, compared to losing my life to suicide.

Memory loss is a great trade-off for being alive.

I survived and am alive today, because of electroconvulsive therapy treatments.

I lost a lot of memory and knowledge because of the hundreds of ECT treatments I had,

but I gained so much more.

I gained life.

I gained the ability to love and live my life again.

I am thankful and very blessed to be alive.

Now, I can make more memories, new and beautiful memories to cherish forever.

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Published by my loud whispers of hope

I share my story openly and honestly to educate others and increase the awareness of mental illness, reduce stigma, prevent suicide, to inspire, give hope and let God's love shine through me and touch you. I finished writing, proofreading and editing my memoir in January of 2019. I am in the process of sending my manuscript to agents and publishers that accept unsolicited maunscripts. I pray my words will turn into a book that will inspire and spark joy and hope in the lives of many. Recovery and healing are possible. I am living proof. "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." ~Maya Angelou

15 Comments

      2. I know what you mean and I ditto that fact about ECTs. I do not see hardly any other bloggers who have had ECT treatments or blog about it, anyway. Maybe we will have to share out experiences about ECTs sometime. I have had over one hundred. I have had too many to count, but when I look back at how many different series of treatments that I have had, through 25 years, it has to add up to over one hundred. I haven’t had an ECT for over at least four years, so I am working on making new memories and hopefully remembering them. My memory is poor though, but sometimes I feel like it is improving a little since I haven’t had any new ECTs. I am going to try not to have any more, because I do not want any more memory loss. God bless, Sue

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      3. I actually wrote 15 posts about a depressive episode I had in 2016 that required ECT. I also wrote a post about the outpatient procedure I go through from arriving to leaving the hospital. They are under the page called Throwback Thursdays, if you’re interested in reading them.

        I’m not sure how many ECTs I’ve had, but it’s a high number. Plus there was maintenance ECT, too. My last treatments were in February/March 2017–every winter since 2014, though my first treatments were in ‘06 or so.

        That’s so great that you’ve gone 4 years without it! I’m hoping to get through this winter without ECT. 🌻

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      4. Thank you for that information. I am definitely interested in reading your posts about ECTs. I hope you can make it this winter with no ECTs as well. Part of the reason I have had to survive without any ECTs is that my psychiatrist retired and there is no one else in the area that performs ECTs. I have had to learn to live through my severe symptoms without them as a treatment option. It has been difficult at times, but I do like not having more memory loss. Take care dear. Love and hugs, Sue

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    1. I had to adjust to memory loss, but at least ECTs helped me. They truly saved my life. I feel I am very blessed that they helped me because they do not work for some people. Having videos would have been wonderful. It would be wonderful, amazing to have videos. That is a great idea and if I ever have to have more ECTs, hopefully I would be well enough to think about making videos or to tell my children to. Thank you for the idea and your comments. Many blessings, much love and more hugs, again, Sue

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    1. Wow! Thank you very much. I am flattered and really appreciate it. You made me very happy. I appreciate your kindness!!!! Thank you. I will make another post as soon as possible. I love these awards. They are so fun and make me so happppppppy. Many blessings to you. Have a happy, healthy and fabulous day. Love and hugs, Sue

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