There must be a cavity inside my brain where my memories used to be,
a large empty hole in my heart where my most cherished memories were removed.
Missing memories of my children, when they were young and small, and older too,
happy memories of experiences I lived,
knowledge I once learned and obtained,
all vanished, gone, permanently taken away.
I would love to revisit my cherished memories from time to time, but I cannot.
Many memories have vanished, evaporated into thin air, permanently erased from the memory bank inside my brain.
Are my memories floating around somewhere?
Floating in a helium balloon just out of my reach?
If I tried harder and reached higher, could I grasp my memories and get them back?
Some of my memories are permanently erased, evaporated into thin air, never to return.
When someone talks about events from my past, sometimes little thoughts and glimpses of those memories will reappear briefly, but mostly they are gone.
I began losing memories from my past and knowledge I had learned,
over twenty years ago, when my ECT treatments began.
Doctors told me my memory loss would be temporary,
and for some maybe it is,
but a lot of my memory loss was permanent.
Experiences I had near the times of my numerous ECT treatments were gone,
as if I had never lived them,
as if they had never happened.
Since I had over one hundred ECTS, that is a lot of memories lost, stolen and missing.
I had severe side effects, adverse reactions and am resistant to medications used to treat my severe bipolar 1 disorder.
Having over one hundred ECTs, throughout a twenty year time period, was my only treatment option, the last resort to fight my severe bipolar symptoms and save my life.
Electroconvulsive therapy treatments were essential for saving my life.
ECTs caused me to lose many precious memories, some cognition, knowledge and sometimes my ability to recall words is very difficult,
but I am thankful for ECTs.
I am thankful and blessed that ECTs were an effective treatment for me.
Memory loss is nothing, compared to losing my life to suicide.
Memory loss is a great trade-off for being alive.
I survived and am alive today, because of electroconvulsive therapy treatments.
I lost a lot of memory and knowledge because of the hundreds of ECT treatments I had,
but I gained so much more.
I gained life.
I gained the ability to love and live my life again.
I am thankful and very blessed to be alive.
Now, I can make more memories, new and beautiful memories to cherish forever.
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