My Main Proclivity is My Survival

The following post was written on Wednesday, December 20, 2017, when I was in a very severe suicidal depression, again.

As I was fighting to live or die, battling those thoughts within my mind, I grabbed my computer and I typed from my heart. I typed my innermost darkest thoughts exactly how I felt them, hoping my will, my spirit, a spark to live, or something would happen to me as I typed. It was my last chance to live, so I had to type, hoping something would spark me to live again or at least distract me long enough, so my strong desire to die at that moment would dissipate from my brain.

The only reason I decided to type the following words was because I was giving myself one more chance. I was stalling, hoping and praying God would give me a sign and would ignite my spark and will to live again. I was searching for a speck of hope.

I know there are no accidents and God made me get my computer to keep me alive, instead of taking my pills to die. I obeyed God, grabbed my computer, typed and I lived.

I typed to try to keep myself alive and give me some more time before I died. Typing distracted me from my strong desire to end my life at that time. My picking up the computer and typing was my last hope and attempt to distract myself and my mind from what I wanted to do at that moment and time in my life, which was to die. Thinking and organizing my racing rapid disorganized thoughts as I typed and, of course, God saved my life again. God always saves my life. Thank you, God.

I typed my thoughts and I also typed a suicide note as well.

I deleted most of the words that were my suicide notes, as they are too painful and hurtful for others to read. So, I didn’t want to leave that information on this post.

I know this is painful to read, but it was how my brain was thinking at that exact moment in time and I want to educate others. This is how my mind was working or should I say not working and this is how my suicidal feelings look like and feel typed out.

This may be similar to how many people feel before a suicide attempt, so I thought it was important to add this to my post as it could hopefully help educate others by helping them understand suicidal thoughts, suicidal ideations and possibly what suicide feels like before it happens, if they go through it and it does happen. I again was lucky and I survived my suicidal thoughts and I have survived true attempts before.

I am sorry to be so honest, but I want to educate, so here I go. Sorry for the pain, but it is reality. It is real. Mental illness is real. Bipolar is real. PTSD is real. Depression is real. Suicidal thoughts are very real and painful.  Suicide is real.

God is very real too and he saved my life, again. Thank you God!

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**Trigger Warning**

I was in a very severe suicidal depression at the time I typed the following words… (but I am not in a suicidal depression now)

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I am torn between life and death.

Can I go on or is this it?

I am sitting in my bed with two full bottles of pills that I pray will be enough to end my life.

I made a decision that my next suicide attempt would be my last and it would have to be successful. I pray after I take these pills that I will not wake up. I am ready to die. It is time. Enough is enough.

You cannot know what pain is unless you are sitting on your bed getting ready to take your life ending amount of pills.

The only thing between my life and death, living or dying, is the decision to put these pills in my mouth or not.

The pills are in my hand.

I have been here many times before, but this time may be my last.

If nothing happens to make me stop and God does nothing to intervene, then it is my time and He wants to me to die.

I am ready to be with Jesus and if God doesn’t save me like the many times He has before, it was my time. I think it is.

It is finally time to leave my pain.

I don’t really want to die, but there is nothing else. I have nothing else. I have no life.

This is not a life. I have not been living for over 25 years, since the day I met Matt Walz.

I sit in my bed with my pills and water, ready to go,

but I am still fighting.

I decided to write, type on my computer, hoping that something could change my mind.

Stalling, maybe something would happen, my mind would change, my mind would decide to live. So, I am stalling, typing to distract me again from my many nonstop thoughts of death.

The only reason I am fighting to stay alive is for my son, Keagan.

He is my baby boy. My pride and joy, my greatest joy, my greatest achievement, my only reason to live.

Do I live or do I die?

I am torn, because I have no reason to live except for my son.

He is the most like me and is the most loving boy. I love him more than I can stand. I can’t leave him. I want to die so badly, but I cannot leave my son.

I love my Keagan beyond words and measure.

I have no other reason to live except for my son, none, there is no other reason to stay alive, but for him. He is the only person that really loves me. I do not want to leave this earth, only because I do not want to hurt my baby boy, my precious beautiful baby boy, Keagan.

If it wasn’t for Keagan, I would be gone. I would take all my pills in the bottles. I would take them now. I could leave this earth and be gone forever.

I would be gone. I would take all my pills in the bottles. These pills staring at me, glaring at me, the pills that are yelling at me, screaming at me to take them.

These ugly pills in the urine yellow colored bottles are as ugly as the thoughts of my own death, but they are the only real things I know.

These pills seem to be my only friends, my lifelong friends. They have always been with me. I have been saving them for a long time, just in case the true moment would come.

I always knew the day would come some day. I just didn’t know when it would be.

Keagan, I am so sorry to have left you. I hope you have a happy life.

Alexia, you will be better now that I have left you. I should have left you a long time ago, You would have had a better life. You have told me that many times and I know you are right and now you can find out how good your life is, without me. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. I hope you have a good life. You will without me. You will be better and stronger and can be at peace without me.

Kylie I am not sure what your story is, but I am not good enough to be in your life. You are so perfect and I am not good enough for you. Good-bye. I know you will have a good life and will be better and happier without me.

Mom and Dad you never knew how to love or show love and that was what I needed. You were never parents. You were children when you had me and were never good parents for me. You do not know what unconditional love is and did not know how to show love or give me the love I needed. I needed love. That was all I ever needed and I never received love from you.

No one cares if I live or die. It is so much better for me to be dead.

I am already dead. Why should I continue to try to live. You can’t live when no one truly cares or loves you at all.

My Keagan loves me, but I can’t hang on and suffer like this anymore and be so painfully wounded for the rest of my life. The pain is too horrific.

I am already dead. I am dead while being alive.

I have been fake living, in an above ground tomb.

I have been living in a grave above ground for over 25 years.

If you ever thought I was happy, it was all an act for everyone else. Do you know how hard it is to act everyday of your life? It is too much work to be alive. I do not fit in this life.

If I ever said I was happy and life was good, I was trying to make myself believe it and pretend, but deep down there was never any true happiness.

Merry Christmas. You will be celebrating baby Jesus’ birth,

and you can celebrate my death. I will finally be with Jesus and have peace and be free from pain.

I died the day I gave birth.

I died the day I gave birth to Kylie and was never truly alive again.

I always knew I would have a shortened life. I am 54 now, but I truly died when I gave birth when I was 29. I faked life and living for 25 years.

I am quite the actress. I should have won a Golden Globe for my portrayal of a living woman. I have been dead, but portrayed a woman living and breathing on earth when actually I was already dead for 25 years.

Good-bye everyone and have a happy and healthy life. I pray you have happy hearts.

I love you Keagan. I love you to the moon and back a bazillion trillion times forever and always. I love you forever and always, and forever my baby boy you will be.

I love you huge Kylie and Alexia, forever and always.

Love, Mommy

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

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When I finished typing the many words I typed, I became too tired from typing and from the strong desires and battle inside my brain to die or live. I got off my death bed, where my pills and water were and went into the living room and sat in front of the television set. I have no idea what was on, but I sat there, staring in space, still distracting myself from thoughts of my own death, still fighting to stay alive, somehow.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t thinking clearly at the time and left my bedroom door wide open with my computer still on and open.  My youngest daughter came home from wherever she was and saw the big invitation to enter my bedroom as my door was wide open with the computer brightly illuminating and loudly shouting at her to read my type-written words. So, Alexia read my typed words that were never met for her or anyone to read, before I edited my words and before I died.

I was still alive. I never wanted her to read what I wrote. I was angry, sad and in extreme pain and agony and I was ready to die when I typed those words. I never intended her to read those words, when I was sitting there still alive. I typed those words from my aching dying heart, typing quickly, roughly, and unedited for no one else to read.

I was typing to clear my mind, organize my thoughts, release my pain and hopefully distract me long enough to live longer and for God to give me a sign to live again and renew my spirit and give me the will to live again.

Remember the version I posted has been greatly edited with many parts deleted. I am very sorry she saw some of those hurtful words that were never intended for anyone’s eyes, but mine and God’s. I didn’t know she would be home and would go into my room and read what I had on my computer.

I believe there are no accidents in life and God has a reason and purpose for everything. It is our job to turn each event in our lives into a teachable and positive moment if we can, so I tried to. For some reason she was supposed to read my words. We talked about what I wrote and later I thought about many things and had a brainstorm of an idea.

The next day I gave her a big speech about her life. I told her I wanted her to take her life and the many struggles she has gone through and do something big with her life. I told her not to look at her life with pity and sorrow, but to use the many obstacles she has survived and be proud of herself. I told her what an amazing, strong, resilient and beautiful person she is and to take these struggles, adversities and events in her life and use them in a powerful and beneficial meaningful way that will someday help many others and change the world. Make a difference and be strong and be an inspiration for others. Be an example to show the world that you can do anything despite the obstacles you have gone through.

Take these difficult moments in your life and never look at them as negative moments, but turn them around into something magical, positive and educational. Use them to continue to make yourself stronger and better and to help other people in many powerful and impactful ways. Show them how strong you are and be an example to them that they too can survive anything just like you have Alexia, just like you my most beautiful girl. I love you Alexia.

No matter what obstacles and struggles we must overcome, my daughter Alexia and I have proclivity to survive and thrive and enjoy the love and beauty of life.

I have made it and so many of you reading my words have made it, too. We are strong and we are fighters and we are never going to give up. We all matter. We are all very important and valuable people in this world.

Keep going. Keep fighting. Keep making a difference in this world and never give up. We can do it and…

our story is not over yet;

we have many more happy, glorious and fabulous chapters of our lives to write. Keep writing your story and make it so awesome that it will become the best memoir ever written, told and made into a movie. Keep fighting, living and loving life and I will too;

and neither is yours…..

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Copyright © By Susan Walz and myloudbipolarwhispers.com – All written content and personal artwork is © myloudbipolarwhispers.com and Susan Walz. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author/owner/artist is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Loud Bipolar Whispers and/or Susan Walz with appropriate and specific directions to the original content. (with the exception of Project Semicolon which was started by the great and unfortunately late Amy Bleuel who died by suicide in 2017. RIP Amy Bleuel. Her story will never be over;) 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/proclivity/