I Do Not Wish You a Bipolar Christmas

my loud whispers of hope

I have no Christmas joy this year?

I long to feel the joy and love Christmas usually brings.

My Christmas joy and love is wrapped tightly and painfully with bipolar and twine.

The ugly twine wrapping tighter around me with each breath I take,

making me unable to breathe,

unable to escape the pain of extreme loneliness.

Loneliness has become a severe,

unbearable symptom caused from my bipolar disorder.

Loneliness means I am truly unloved,

and there is nothing worse than feeling completely alone and unloved.

This Christmas is a reminder of how lonely and unloved and unliked I truly am.

My only hope is that God is calling me near.

I wonder if this will be my last Christmas. It could be.

I cannot endure much more of this severe pain and loneliness,

and lack of a life I try to live and survive.

This is the brightest loneliness I have ever felt.

I am all alone.

There is no love.

Christmas is supposed to be full of family and love.

I have no family that even knows I am alive.

I have no friends.

I have nothing.

I have God and I am trying to find God.

My loneliness is too loud and too much.

I have nothing else, but loneliness.

I can’t wrap up my loneliness with pretty Christmas wrapping paper.

Loneliness is me.

I cannot wrap myself up and place myself under the Christmas tree.

That would be very lonely and I am already there.

People can say words and pretend they care,

but words are meaningless without actions that show me they truly love me and care.

I only ask for one Christmas present this year.

I want someone to love me,

truly love me,

not just say words,

but come see me,

be with me,

and show me

with your presence

that you are my present.

Image result for Sad bipolar Christmas

“Where are You Christmas?” by Faith Hill (with lyrics)

Copyright © By Susan Walz and myloudbipolarwhispers.com – All written content and personal artwork is © myloudbipolarwhispers.com and Susan Walz. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author/owner/artist is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Loud Bipolar Whispers and/or Susan Walz with appropriate and specific directions to the original content.  (with the exception of the video, lyrics and song “Where Are You Christmas?” by Faith Hill)

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/calling/

 

Published by my loud whispers of hope

I share my story openly and honestly to educate others and increase the awareness of mental illness, reduce stigma, prevent suicide, to inspire, give hope and let God's love shine through me and touch you. I finished writing, proofreading and editing my memoir in January of 2019. I am in the process of sending my manuscript to agents and publishers that accept unsolicited maunscripts. I pray my words will turn into a book that will inspire and spark joy and hope in the lives of many. Recovery and healing are possible. I am living proof. "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." ~Maya Angelou

46 Comments

  1. Know that you are not alone in the way you feel. I recite all of the wonderful things that I should feel good about and ask why I don’t. I am not alone, I am not unloved, I have my health, more or less, I have my puppy dogs, my wife, yes I should have reversed that, my daughter, my grandchildren, my friends. Still I feel alone and pray for a better day. Sometimes my prayers are answered, sometimes they are not. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. The Christmas season is the worst because daylight is at a premium. The darkness makes me a coward and I despise myself because of it. I wish I had cheery words for us both. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

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  2. Pretty sad. I have people around and I feel kind of crappy about Christmas. It really is my own attitude. I like a song I heard about not needing presents just each other at Christmas. I have to remind myself that it is not the preconceived notions I have of a perfect Christmas that matter. Not at all. It is that babe in a feeding trough. If I have nothing else I have Him and that is far more than enough. It is greater love than the universe can contain.

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  4. I’m so sorry that you are in the throes of this pain and sorrow! I wish I lived near you so that I could come and visit and try to bring some light into your world for I have known a measure of darkness myself albeit a different kind and not as prolonged. But I would love to spend time with you via email if you’d like to talk. I’m a good listener. If you think you’d like to do that go to my about page and it will give you a way to contact me. Love and hugs, Natalie 🙂 ❤

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    1. Thank you so much for reading my post and for your kind and encouraging comments. I appreciate them greatly. I read them before but wasn’t able to comment at the time as I was not doing well. I am doing much better. God always saves me and helps me to continue to fight and hang on. I truly do appreciate you and your beautiful heart and I really wish I had people like you in my life. Hugs and many blessings to you. Thank you again for your kindness and caring heart. It means a lot to me. Love always, Sue

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  5. Loved your poem. It’s strange that how we people suffering this mental illness connect more than any normal person connection to to another normal being. I know that there are many like me out there but still the burden doesn’t lessens. Heart is as dull as it could be. Though I laugh, I sing, I do everything to look normal but inside I know how broken I am. But meeting people through blogs and knowing there story and how they fight, gives me the inspiration to do same and hope. May be one day … may be. Merry Christmas to all, in advance.

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    1. Thank you for reading my post and for your kind and insightful and encouraging comments. I appreciate them greatly. So sorry I was so slow in commenting back but I am behind and am trying to catch up. I’m doing better now. God always saves my life and helps me to continue to fight. Hugs and many blessings to you. Love always, Sue

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  6. Hi, Thank you for sharing your story. I totally understand. The mind is tricky and can create misperceptions even when we know better. It’s not always a choice. Hang in there. Happy holidays and be well!😀

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. I appreciate your reading my post and your awesome comments. I am doing much better finally. God always saves me and helps me stay strong and to keep fighting. Praise God for saving me again. Hugs and many blessings to you. Love always, Sue

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      2. That is a great thing to do. We do have to be thankful for each moment of our lives and every breath we take… sometimes with this illness it is hard to remember to be thankful during the difficult moments… for me anyway… lately I have been having many difficult episodes as I am medication resistant and do not have my psychiatrist (he had to retire and he saved my life numerous times and I am so thankful for him). I do not have a psychiatrist now and there are no treatment facilities in the area… not any good ones anyway. I am fighting my best to do this on my own but at times it is very difficult. I just want to be happy again and know what happiness and love feel like again. Sorry for complaining, but thank you for listening. Love and hugs, Sue

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      3. You don’t have to apologize and you’re not complaining. You’re human. You’re suppose to feel negative and positive emotions. I have to remind myself of that all the time. It’s okay to say I’m not okay today😀 I’m listening and you have my support 😀

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  7. Pingback: Shout out | NOT MY SECRET…overcoming the shame of sexual abuse

    1. Thank you so very much for reading my posts and for your kind and encouraging words. I appreciate them greatly. Also thank you very much for nominating me for the Liebster Award. That makes me so happy. You made my day. I am honored and I appreciate it more than you know. It means a lot to me and is very special to me. I will complete my part and participate probably in the next couple of days. I probably won’t have time tomorrow, but should have time the next day. I hope. I Iook forward to doing it. Thank you again. Yay! I am excited. Hugs and blessings to you, Sue ❤❤❤😇😇😇

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    1. Thank you so very much for your kind and encouraging words. I appreciate them greatly and they helped me. I’m doing much better finally now. God saved my life again and helps me stay strong and to keep fighting. Thank you again. Your kindness and caring words helped me. Hugs, Sue

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  10. I am not a big religious person…can go either way…but the whole Xmas/new year thing…um…not totally for…mixed feelings…again…not for not against…to each their own? agree to disagree? I am an introvert/extrovert? lol Kind of get it. Manic/depressed? lol I write more depressed stuff but that is not me. 🙂 I am down though around the holidays. Rough time of year. And I try so hard but I can’t keep up. If I do I get manic…if I settle down I get depressed. Constant struggle. Balancing act if u will. Hope u had a good new years and a good xmas and start off a fresh year. gl! tc

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    1. Thank you very much for reading my post and for your great comments. I greatly appreciate them. Happy New year to you. 2018 is going to be a great year. I hope it is for you too. I am being optimistic. A brand new year and brand new beginning…. Hugs, Sue

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  11. This past Christmas was the first one spent alone. I am so grateful for my Dog and to be feeling well enough as of late, to write again! Some days are better than others…

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    1. I am very sorry you had to spend this Christmas alone. I pray your day went well. Dogs, cats and all animals are awesome and are our family, as well. I am happy you are feeling wee and are able to write again. That is a great achievement. Writing is so therapeutic for me. It helps me sometimes get out of some very dark moments. I pray you have a happy, healthy and fabulous day, week, month etc. Much love and hugs, Sue

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