Well, this is not a good day so far. Hopefully, it will improve. I pray it will get better, as suicidal thoughts are plaguing my brain and tormenting my mind right now. My deep thoughts of suicide are my only comfort and have actually become my friends of sorts.
Suicidal thoughts give me peace inside my mind, knowing that I do have an escape from my sometimes horrible existence inside my brain and outside of my mind, when I face the realities of what my life is truly like. Suicide is there for me, if that is what I choose to do. It can be my choice.
Right now I feel trapped as I cannot leave earth yet because my son will be married on September 8th and I must take my daughter on a small trip to visit three college campuses next week. I was very happy and excited about this trip, which was going to be like a great and happy little mini vacation for the two of us. I know Alexia was happy and excited about it too. However, now like everything else, this too is not going to be what I hoped it would be.
I had too many bills to pay this month, my paycheck was smaller than I anticipated and I no longer much money left. I have to rent a car because mine is too old and I do not trust that it will make the trip, so renting a car is an extra expense, as well. We were going to stay in a hotel for two nights and had some fun things planned. Now, I am not sure how I can make it happen, but I feel like I have to somehow, so I can let my poor daughter do something that Seniors do. I have to try to do something nice for her. When can I ever have true happiness and do something that is a little like other people are able to do? It depresses me that I might not be able to make this happen for my daughter.
Everyone in my family has money, but no one will ever help us out. Lately, even before today, negative thoughts have been glaring into my mind of when my daughter and I were homeless for three months. I also severely fractured my ankle while I was homeless there, requiring surgery to put in a metal plate and 13 screws to hold my shattered bones back in place. Then I had to recover from my major surgery while living in that homeless shelter with my eight year old daughter. Alexia was only eight years old at the time and it was so horrific for her. I pray it has not negatively scarred her in some way, but will eventually end up helping her later in life.
The horrific thoughts that keep glaring into my mind and lighting it on fire are the thoughts of how there is no one in this world or in my life that loves me enough to help me and never has. Since, my diagnosis of bipolar disorder over 25 years ago, everyone in my life left me. My husband couldn’t live with my illness, friends just vanished and didn’t try to help or understand and my family would not accept it, so they left me all alone to somehow survive my newly horrific diagnosis of severe bipolar 1 disorder, PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, personality disorder and postpartum depression. It was easier for my family to pretend like I was already dead and that I did not exist. They pretended that the horrific life I was forced to live was not real and was not really happening to me. They pretended it was not happening or they just didn’t care. I am not sure which one is true, but anyway they left me alone and did not support me or help me or my daughter in any way.
The many hurtful thoughts of how my family that all have beautiful homes and a lot of money, never offered to help me financially when I became homeless and many other times when I didn’t even have enough money to buy food with, have been haunting me lately.
My biggest question about my family or anyone that knew me, is how could they leave me in a homeless shelter, especially when I was recovering from a major surgery, have a severely fractured ankle and have my eight year old daughter living with me in the homeless shelter, as well. I cannot understand that and right now I am having trouble forgiving anyone that knew me at that time and just left me to rot in that homeless shelter, sitting in a wheelchair and taking Oxycontin for my severe pain.
I cannot even begin to fathom how they could abandon me and my daughter like that. This has lately caused me much pain and sorrow, when I think about it. I try not to let my mind go there or stay there when the thoughts, images, and memories flash before me. Lately, I have been wanting to stay away from my family and want nothing to do with them, as they can trigger my PTSD which can then trigger my severe bipolar symptoms and that is not healthy for me at all. I need to stay away from my family as much as possible like my genius psychiatrist told me to do for years.
I stopped writing after that last paragraph and it is at least three hours later non. My two new books came in the mail today. They are my first, unedited and unchanged copies, but they still look beautiful so I became excited about that. I can’t wait to see my new, final and edited books. They should be here next week. Since, my last writing on this post, I also spoke with my daughter Alexia and that went well too. So, now I feel much better than I did before. I feel pretty good and kind of happy again.
This is what bipolar disorder with ultradian rapid cycling is. It is a whirlwind of unexplainable extreme mood swirls and drastic switches and changes of my chemistry inside my brain. I just went from waking up this morning with severe suicidal depression and extreme suicidal ideations and intense anger and hate and switched my depressed bipolar mood pole to my happy higher end mood pole of hypomania where my brain, mind and mood pole usually are.
When I am hypomanic, I feel like I can make things work. Everything will be okay. Life will be good. Our trip to visit colleges will work out somehow. I will make it work. Anything is possible. When I am hypomanic I have hope, but when I am depressed I feel hopeless and like nothing will ever work out. Nothing is possible.
I love my hypomania and I am happy I have ultradian rapid cycling when it switches so rapidly from suicidal depression to my hypomanic mood pole. What a relief. I feel like I have made it back to living my life, once again. Praise God.
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