I am happy today,
as joyful as can be.
My eyes shimmer,
sparkle and shine
from this joy of mine.
Thinking thoughts of pleasant delight,
everything about today feels right.
The day is mine
for me to shine.
I feel so very happy, I must say
because I don’t have to work today.
It is a miracle that I can work at all. I feel very blessed that I can finally work again, especially at a job I like and that works for me. I work part-time and my company is very good at making sure they keep my hours within the allocated amount of hours and money I can make each month due to the constraints and rules from my insurance company.
I find it rather ironic, that society wants us to get healthy enough, so we can go back to work but then they make it difficult for us to find a job because most jobs require you to work more hours than I am able to because of my insurance, not because of my choice. I would love to make more money to supplement my small social security disability check each month.
This week, I worked 36 hours because I worked two days for my supervisor of my department that needed the days off. I know I should have said no, but I do have a problem of liking to help people and make them happy, so I said I could help her and work for her. Now I have to pay attention to the rest of the month, so I do not go over my monthly hours and pay or I will end up having to pay my medicare plus insurance plan $500.00 that I do not have. I think that is ridiculous and is just something I always have to worry about and worrying is not good for me, of course.
I have not been able to mentally or physically work five days in a row for a normal 40 hour work period for over twenty years, since the time that the severity of my bipolar disorder became too severe for me to teach Special Education anymore. So, working five days in a row for almost 40 hours in one week, is amazing and a miracle for me. People take so many things for granted and the company I work for has absolutely no idea how amazing it is that I can work the way I do for them. I have to give all the glory to God for saving my life and healing me to the point that I can work and live life again.
I know it may seem silly to some people who do not have bipolar disorder, but this is huge for me. It was not easy for me to complete the week, but I did it and for that I am very grateful, happy and proud. Everyday I still live with rapidly changing symptoms and struggles related to my bipolar 1 disorder, PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, and personality disorder. I have learned to live, cope, function and survive with my daily symptoms today, so far.
We need to educate others of the daily struggles we face. Some mornings I battle with even getting out of bed and then taking a shower, but I make it to work now. Most people take it for granted that their minds will always work properly so they can function with their daily lives. But, for people living with mental illness, daily life is not always easy. We have to put a lot more effort into everything we do and accomplish.
When I make it to work, I am a very pleasant, personable, positive person because I have learned that is the best way for me to be and to help me stay healthy. People at work have no idea that I isolate myself in my home most of the time and am afraid to get close to people, because I am afraid of people hurting me, like many times in my past. I am awesome at relating to people and treating them very kindly and well at a surface level, making sure I do not let anyone in too deep, so they cannot hurt me.
People at work do not know how much effort it takes me to get to work and do my work well, but I do the best I can always. Once I am at work, it usually goes very well and I enjoy it. It is usually the work of getting ready and getting somewhere that is the most difficult for me, right now.
I live one day at a time or at least I try to, because I do not know what tomorrow will bring, but no one does. However, this does apply more so for someone like me with ultradian rapid cycling bipolar 1 disorder with mixed episodes and PTSD that can trigger my bipolar symptoms.
Life is full of never-ending surprises. That is the beauty of living.
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