Love is not controlled by your brain, but lives within your heart and soul.
This explains why when I have been so severely depressed that I could not even move enough to get out of my bed and breathing seemed too difficult, somehow I could at times conjure up enough energy from deep within my soul to move, only when I needed to take care of my young children.
Then I would use all the strength and effort I could find from deep within myself to do everything for my children, pretending in front of them that I was alive enough to be a good mom so they would not see that I was actually slowly dying on the inside within myself.
My oldest daughter told me that when she was young she didn’t even realize I was sick, which of course makes me very happy. Unfortunately though, my bipolar became increasingly worse as the years progressed causing it to become more difficult for me to pretend with each passing year.
As the years progressed my illness became more severe until now and a few years earlier, when God saved my life making me feel alive and able to function and live my life again. Praise God.
When I have severe depression I do not feel sad, I have no emotions. I feel empty inside and all over and can’t feel anything. Feeling nothing and empty to the point that you feel dead is worse than feeling deep sadness or anger.
Feeling anything is better than feeling nothing.
Knowing what it feels like to be alive while dead, knowing death while living caused me many times throughout my life to sink in a deep dark black hole that there seemed to be no escape from.
Because there seemed to be no escape from my mental illness pain, the continuous destruction of my life, the loss of myself and the pain of nothingness, death surrounded me and overcame my mind. Soon death became all I could think of. My mind was overcome and flooded with thoughts of suicide and death.
Somehow though, I was reminded of my children and a little spark of love gave me some hope that came from somewhere deep within my heart and soul making me know and feel the deep love I have for my three children. I know I cannot leave my children. I cannot do that to them. I have to find the inner strength from deep within my soul to survive this torture I am living in and remember and learn how to breathe and live again, just for them.
Many people say they are alive because of their children. So the deep love I have and parents have for their children lives deep within our hearts and souls and will never go away no matter how severely ill our brains become.
Even though my brain is diseased and dies at times the love I have for my three children never dies and is stronger than anything else. My diseased brain could never stop my love and intense feelings I have for my three children no matter how sick I became or how dead I felt during my severe depressions.
I am alive today because of my children. I felt barely alive in the deep dark graves I was buried in, but I fought and clawed my way out of the deep dark holes of death and depression many times to live and survive for my children.
My three precious children are my greatest treasures and are and will always be my heart and my every breath of life.
Bipolar disorder is my primary diagnosis and I will always continue fighting the many symptoms and struggles I have, living with bipolar disorder, PTSD and generalized anxiety disorder and I will live the fullest and happiest life I can to the very best of my abilities.
I am a bipolar survivor, but most importantly I am a loving mom, a loving bipolar mom.
My brain does not have to work or function to feel the deep forever love I have for my three children.
My love lives, flourishes and is forever stored in my heart.
Love is not controlled by our brains, but love lives forever in our hearts and souls.
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