Bipolar Disorder is Either Black or White (Daily Word Prompt is Gray)

my loud whispers of hope

There are no gray areas.

It is either black or white.

You are either right or wrong.

You are either dead or alive.

With my bipolar disorder I have felt dead many times, but I have never been dead. I was alive, but felt like I had no emotions causing me to feel like I was dead and I wanted to be dead. I may have been one step away from being dead many times as severe deep dark dangerous thoughts of suicide overcame my mind. I was only one step away from swallowing a large handful of medications many times that would have caused a life ending overdose. Then I would have been dead.

However, I survived my many strong desires, suicidal ideations and numerous suicidal attempts throughout my many years of battling and living with bipolar disorder, PTSD and generalized anxiety disorder. I am happy to be alive.

There are no gray areas in living.

It is either black or white.

You cannot have bipolar disorder a little bit. You either have bipolar disorder or you don’t.

It is either black or white.

Bipolar disorder is called bipolar because there are two mood poles, like white is mania and black is depression.

There is no tri-polar disorder or middle pole. A person with bipolar shifts between the two mood poles of mania and depression. There is no gray in bipolar, only black or white.

You cannot be a little bit manic or hypomanic. You are either manic or not.

There are no gray areas.

It is either black or white.

Mania is not just feeling happy. Mania is different.

Happy is how you feel after you just got married to the love of your life or after you got a brand new kitty.

Mania is beyond feeling happy, way above that emotion. You feel like you could burst out of yourself hardly able to contain and control this euphoria and excitement inside you. Your insides could explode, burst, pop wide open into a million little pieces like a helium balloon after you have flown up into the sky past the rainbow of your life. You can hardly sit still and stop moving as this extreme mania and euphoria creates fear unsure when you could explode.

Most of the time I am hypomanic, which is a less severe form of mania.

When I am hypomanic or manic…

  1. I always talk too much and too fast. I have been trying to control this as much as I can and become a better listener.
  2. I usually have racing and rapid thoughts flying throughout my brain.
  3. I can be very impulsive and fly from one thought, idea or activity to the next.
  4. I have excess energy.
  5. Sometimes I can become obsessed with what I am doing and working on.
  6. More severe mania causes reckless activities like spending too much money, promiscuity and dangerous activities and meeting dangerous people. I have engaged in all of those behaviors before. The mechanism inside my brain seems to shut off during my severe mania episodes.
  7. Often I have a decreased need for sleep, but I take two Clonazepam at night, which helps me relax so I can sleep. I still always require less sleep than most people.
  8. One thing I truly hate is when I become extremely irritable where I just hate everything and everyone. I try to contain this keeping those thoughts inside myself, but sometimes it is too hard and after trying to hold in my irritability monster beast inside me for a long time it breaks loose and spews out of me causing the ugliness of bipolar to come out from within me. I am very ashamed of myself for acting the way I did and/or saying what I just did. Then comes the cycle of the feelings of shame, regret, remorse and hating in myself.

Depression is not the same as feeling sad. It is way beyond feeling sad. Feeling sad is when your puppy dies or you break up with a boyfriend. You feel sad about those things, but it is not clinical depression. It is not the same. Also, depression can happen for no reason at all. You could be at Disney World and still be depressed. Being at Disney World will not help make clinical depression go away.

You cannot be a little depressed. You are either depressed or not.

There are no gray areas.

It is either black or white.

When I am depressed…

  1. I have no emotions, but am void of all feelings and emotions.
  2. I feel worthless and that my life is not worth living. I hate myself and feel like everyone else hates me too. I hate everything about my life.
  3. I have no energy or the ability to move. I cannot get out of my bed and the thought of taking a shower is too difficult as it has too many steps involved to finish the huge task.
  4. I cannot think or concentrate on what others are saying or doing or the things I am seeing.
  5. I cannot make decisions.
  6. I am completely lonely and isolate myself. I have no friends or support of any kind.
  7. I feel guilt and have deep remorse for my past mistakes and my life.
  8. My brain is filled and overcome with suicidal ideations every second of my days and nights thinking of when and how I will kill myself. Thoughts of death overcome me giving me a feeling of hope as it is the only way to escape from the deep dark horror of pain I feel and am living in.

Bipolar disorder is a very serious illness and you either have bipolar disorder or you don’t.

You cannot be a little bipolar. You either have bipolar or you don’t.

There are no gray areas.

It is either black or white.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/gray/

Copyright © By Susan Walz and myloudbipolarwhispers.com – ALL WRITTEN CONTENT AND PERSONAL ARTWORK (ie. drawings, illustrations and paintings) is © myloudbipolarwhispers.com and Susan Walz. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author/owner/artist is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to My Loud Bipolar Whispers and/or Susan Walz with appropriate and specific directions to the original content.

Published by my loud whispers of hope

I share my story openly and honestly to educate others and increase the awareness of mental illness, reduce stigma, prevent suicide, to inspire, give hope and let God's love shine through me and touch you. I finished writing, proofreading and editing my memoir in January of 2019. I am in the process of sending my manuscript to agents and publishers that accept unsolicited maunscripts. I pray my words will turn into a book that will inspire and spark joy and hope in the lives of many. Recovery and healing are possible. I am living proof. "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." ~Maya Angelou

18 Comments

    1. Sometimes I fear my writing can become a little dark but it is the truth of what bipolar can be like. I have rapid cycling so my mood poles can shift often which is great, most of the time. Plus, my bipolar has improved significantly from 20 years ago. I praise God for that and I am lucky to be alive. One thing is that when you face death life becomes so much lovelier to be alive, each and every day…. as long as my bipolar is doing well. I am doing well today. It is a very good day for me. Also, my writing many days comes from the spark from the daily word prompt and that is what happened to day. I pray I am helping others by educating and helping others not feel alone and to know that there is hope for joy and love and peace in our lives… with God. Thank you for reading and commenting. You are such a beautiful person inside and out. Thank you my dear blogging friend. Hugs ❤ Sue

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  2. I have bipolar disorder. Bipolar type 1 and I do sometimes have mild depression and mild or moderate hypomania without being severely depressed or full blown manic. I also have periods of stability. Yes, sometimes I can rest comfortably in the middle, though I’ll admit that usually I’m either somewhere in the mild “gray area” of mild depression or hypothymia, or the slightly brightened white of hypomania or hyperthymia. And that’s on my medications.

    If you were totally black in severe depression on the verge of death, or brightest white in full blown manic with psychosis, you would probably be in the psychiatric hospital. Or at least I’d hope you would be. Unfortunately, though, so many of us with bipolar are still not quite well enough to go to a job, or struggling at a job, but not in some kind of state of death or god-like elation. What you wrote is simply not true for me. And I’m 100% certainly a person with bipolar disorder. I have experienced the deepest pits of depression and the highest psychotic highs of full-blown mania, but I’m not there now.

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    1. Thank you for reading and commenting. Sorry you so strongly disagree. You may have read into it more than it was meant.I am writing about how bipolar has two mood poles as in the description and definition of what bipolar truly is. I am usually hypomanic and I have rapid cycling so I do shoot from hypomania where I usually am to a severe depression. I do not have an in between as some of us do not. I have lived with this for my entire life but was diagnosed over 23 years ago and it took a long time to find any medications that kind of worked for me plus I have had probably over 50-60 ECTs during this time and I have learned to live with my symptoms during this time. I have rapid cycling so I know soon my mood poles will switch back if I can just survive my deep depression. I have only worked for about 4 years very part-time during 23-24 years. I am medication resistant with severe side effects and adverse reactions to meds. I can only take Clonazepam and one mood stabilizer. I have tried every medication that is out there and will not and cannot try anything new. ECTs are my life saver and God of course… I am truly blessed to be alive. God has saved my life numerous times.I have been hospitalized more times than I cound… maybe about 30. Everyone’s bipolar is different. God saved my life. I am not sure why but I praise him that I am still alive. I fought hard to live for my children. I have suicidal ideations all of the time but have learned to live with them. This took me 20 years. to learn to survive. My story and case is rare I do know that, but there are many others suffering severely like me. I have only been out of the hospital for about one year or less and I have finally been alive… I mean finally really living for 4 about years. Honestly I have not had any ECTs for about one 1-2 years now. I am not there now either but it is what bipolar is like for me and many of us. Every case is different. I wrote the way I did as it fit the daily word prompt of the day. I do go through what I wrote and I can only write about myself honestly and truthfull with emotions and. I am trying to educate as some of us do go through what I do and have. I am sorry you were not happy with it and feelings like I have had before I am not saying I have them every second and I did not say I am in g0d-like elation ever… I am so sorry you read way too much into this but you are able to take everything you like from my posts.

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      1. I’m sorry you have suffered so much from persistent depression in your life. That is horrible. I did not mean to say I didn’t believe how YOU feel, but I felt that for those who are unfamiliar with bipolar disorder, it is good to know it is a spectrum disorder and that not all people with bipolar experience only the highest highs and lowest lows all of the time and perceive it as such.

        I do know that the bipolar experience is far from the same for every person inflicted. It is sometimes a hard illness for non-bipolar people to really understand, isn’t it? For example, especially if you have to explain something like mixed episodes.

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      2. The entire goal of my post is mostly this…. either you are pregnant or you are not… either you have bipolar or you do not… if you read the definitions and symptoms of bipolar they will list the symptoms I did… I listed symptoms and explained some of mine that I have at times…. I am sorry you are just not understanding what I was trying to say but in reading anything people all get something different out of people’s words… and that is fine… seriously google bipolar disorder and they will list what I did… maybe not in such detail but this is bipolar…. they do not talk about three mood poles. that is why I spoke of the two mood poles of bipolar… I spoke that there is not gray area referring to that you are diagnosed with it or you are not. You cannot have it or not have bipolar that is the… there is no gray area. Either you have cancer or you do not… either you are obese or you are not… either you are late or you are on time…. you cannot kind of be kind of pregnant and you cannot kind of have cancer. That is the theme behind my writing. I am not looking for sympathy at all as this is my life and is the story and journey that Jesus wrote for me… you have your own. Today is my life and I am happy… I am hypomanic yes but that is me. I am having a great day but it is still hypomania as my mind flies etc… but clonazepam slows it down some. Like I said after 23 years I have learned to live with my symptoms and learned that there are worse things in life… After years of dealing with bipolar I always thought like you did… if people do not have it as severely as me than they really do not have it and I have learned how very wrong it is… all degrees are bipolar…. We are here to educate… please educate others as much as you can and how you can and how you want to. It is all good. Everything is beneficial to everyone. Hugs and blessings to you. ❤ Sue

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      3. Sue, I think we are both misunderstanding each other to a degree and if I’ve misunderstood the purpose of your post, I’m sorry.. I feel like I’ve angered you. I didn’t intend to. Of course I believe that if you have bipolar disorder, you have it. It doesn’t go away.

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  3. I hope you suffer with your bipolar disorder much less in the future! Do not let these feeling confuse you, as they are the same kind of tools the evil one uses to bring people down…

    Steve

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    1. I do not believe bipolar is evil. Is cancer evil? Is diabetes evil? I have learned to live with my symptoms of bipolar. This is the journey and story God has written for my life to increase my compassion, perseverance and abiity to serve the Lord by helping other people and share my love and power of healing. Jesus has healed me to the point He wanted to heal me. Did Jesus suffer and die on the cross because it was the evil one or because it was God??? Bipolar is an illness like all others. Is everyone that has an illness full of evil or is it coming from evil?? I totally 100% disagree and so does my pastor as we have many discussions regarding this. to serve the Lord by helping others. Jesus suffered and I was a chosen one to suffer. I am blessed.

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      1. I am most sorry if I offended you in any way, Sue. I was only trying to say that Satan will use our illnesses to try to confuse us and make us feel that we have them because we are evil, or God is punishing us in some way.

        I believe that such illnesses are very real, just as Christ’s death was very real. And God will always guide the strong Christian through trials and keep their minds and hearts right. I meant to offense, nor that bipolar is not a real disorder…

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      2. Thank you very much for your response. I appreciate it. I have never felt I was evil to have my illness nor do I believe that in anyway about anyone else. God is a good father and He does not punish us but loves us always and forgives all our sins. So maybe I was a truly blessed one and I did not let evil overcome or listen to evil as God’s love and voice is so much stronger. Satan is weak over me because the strength and love our dear Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I am sorry if I came off so strong against your comment. I always appreciate your comments greatly but I guess because I have heard that so much regarding mental illness that I may take it too personally. I am overly sensitive with some things sometimes. That is a fault of mine. I am very sorry. In a way I feel that there is a stigma related to mental illness and Satan as it is talked about so much more compared to other illnesses with Satan being involved with mental illness but mental illness is an illness just like any other. I have had a Pastor… not mine now say to me I have to get the devil out of me which I never felt his presence. I was just ill and my illness just happens to be in the organ of my brain. You never know.. who really knows but God… these are just my strong beliefs in this area. One of my favorite scriptures in this area is… Romans 5:3-3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope and, hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. Amen. Hugs and blessings. ❤ Sue

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  4. My heart goes out to you sweetie. Dealing with that consistently wears a person down. I’m so glad you rely on God. He is my Rock and strong Tower! Without him I would be dead.

    I loved your blog. I can so relate to it all. I am pretty much stable at the moment but I never know when it’s going to hit. I always have to be on guard when it comes to my thoughts and I use my coping strategies, that are self taught and that generally works if not I know I need to see my pdoc and adjust my meds.

    I have been in that pit of darkness many times and if it were not for God I wouldn’t have made it. And I don’t go to the hospital every time that happens. I self admitted myself once and the other time my pdoc wanted to put me in but I was so scared to go my husband agreed to take off from work and take care of me.
    You hit the nail on the head with your post. And I hope it helps others not feel so alone. God bless you sweetie. And I’ll say a prayer for you.

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    1. Thank you for reading and thank you so much for your kind comments and encouraging words. I greatly appreciate them. I am doing well today. God has saved my life and the last four years of my life have been the best I have ever felt since my diagnosis about 23 years ago. I feel blessed and know that God has healed me to point he wanted to heal me and he has given me the strength and ability to fight my symptoms when they occur. I still struggle but not as much. l have learned how to cope and live with my symptoms like you have. I will not go to the hospital anymore as I have learned it does not help me and I do better fighting my symptoms with my own understanding of my illness. I learned everything from God and my Psychiatrist who saved my life.I used to tell him he was Jesus like because he saved my life through his genius compassion and kindness. Unfortunately he retired due to illness so I no longer see a Psychiatrist but have a provider who gives me the two medications I can take. Thank you again for reading my post and for your beautiful and kind words. They made me very happy. I enjoyed reading your comments. I pray you are doing well and will continue to do well. It sounds like you have been blessed with a very kind and patient and supportive husband. Hugs and blessings to you always and forever. ❤ Sue

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