My ugly, cruel bipolar beast has been set loose inside my brain.
I felt and knew my ugly bipolar beast inside my brain was coming back to visit as I felt occasional hate overcoming my brain,
but I fought the ugly, cruel, hateful thoughts from firing loose out from inside my bipolar brain,
keeping them hidden within my bipolar brain so know one else would know that they existed.
No one knew the beast was lurking about near the surface inside my bipolar brain, except for me and my bipolar beast.
I fought these thoughts from my bipolar beast long, hard and courageously for a long while,
until the trigger hit.
That was it.
I could no longer control it.
The beast won.
He beat me overcoming the strength I thought I had to fight him.
I could no longer contain this ugly beast that was living inside my brain.
He broke free last night with a force too strong to stop.
I coul not contain him or myself.
This ugly bipolar beast has many ugly sharp claws that can grow,
becoming even sharper as each claw contains a spike,
that travels from deep within my brain and takes a long hike,
until the dangerous, sharp, hateful spikes
spew out from my mouth and emotionally hurt someone,
not causing blood that you can see,
but causing blood of a worse kind,
internal bleeding from deep within the victim after the sharp spikes of my words make a hurtful attack.
My ugly mean verbal spiked claws let loose lashing out without my ability to seem to control them,
one hateful word after another.
I hate my brain.
My rapid cycling bipolar 1 disorder brain with mixed episodes.
My bipolar beast inside my brain is still out and about roaming around freely inside my mind filling my brain with hate.
The bipolar beast is close to the surface scaring me,
not knowing when and if these bipolar spikes could take another hike and attack again.
My bipolar brain still has hate living near the surface inside my brain hiding my happy loving hypomanic brain,
the person who I truly know I am.
This hate is hiding my love for Jesus.
I am praying hard
trying to get this beast to take a hike,
a big long hike back,
very deep back inside my ugly black hole of the dark forest from hell where it lives most of the time inside my bipolar brain.
After the spike attack from my cruel ugly bipolar beast within me, I feel huge remorse and live with extreme guilt and hate of myself for who I am.
My hate was brewing inside of me for weeks and was gradually trying and attempting to get out. I was strong and hid it for a while as this hate was mixed with love and beauty and Jesus,
as I have mixed episodes of bipolar living inside my brain.
I also have rapid cycling living inside my bipolar brain as well. Many times I can fight off my severe symptoms from my bipolar beast living inside my brain, because I know my symptoms may quickly switch back to my happy hypomanic brain.
I pray I will be able to forgive myself of my hate,
that I hate
that hate of me,
of who I am sometimes.
this hate that over took me.
that came out
and come out,
sometimes I fear,
causing permanent scars,
for me and someone else that heard my hate and my words.
I hate this part of my bipolar 1 disorder living inside of me.
I have to work from 3-11:30 tonight and I have to use all of my strength and courage to hide this bipolar beast and keep him from escaping.
My bipolar beast living inside my brain is scaring me as the beast is so near the surface and could escape again.
I will get my acting skills out and pretend to be well and happy and hide that ugly beast living inside me.
I pray my bipolar beast will hide deep within my brain,
and my hateful, angry feelings
that are now also filled with remorse, regret, shame and sadness
will hide and prayerfully get distracted and disappear again.
I am praying my rapid cycling will overcome this bipolar beast and switch my ugly bipolar beast back into my beautiful happy loving hypomanic brain.
I pray my bipolar beast living inside of me will take a long hike and hibernate again inside my bipolar brain.
Please ugly hateful bipolar beast,
take your spikes,
and take a very long hike,
and hide deep within my brain,
just where you belong,
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