I am feeling more on the depressed side of my mood poles today. I believe this change is related to the fact that I had surgery on my ankle last week and because of my surgery I have had severe pain requiring me to take prescribed pain medications.
I have been resting and reclining in my rocker for about seven days, keeping my ankle up, resting it on pillows and applying ice to it as often as possible. So, I have been isolating alone in my house, which is not good for my bipolar brain and moods.
My ugly, gross, stinky bipolar symptom of not being able to take a shower has occurred for a week. Embarrassingly, I have not been able to take a shower since I had my surgery a week ago.
I was very determined to take shower today. I was going to do it. I had to. It was time.
I know most people may not understand this, but it was too hard for me to take a shower this morning. There are too many steps involved in taking a shower. I couldn’t muster up enough energy to accomplish such a difficult task.
I am sorry. I feel awful and embarrassed and it does not help my self esteem or depression at all, but I just couldn’t make myself do it. My brain was fighting with itself to take a shower, but the part of my brain that didn’t have the ability to take a shower won.
My lack of a decision and inability to take a shower became my decision. The decision to not take a shower this morning won. I couldn’t do it. I was stuck. My brain was frozen. I had to go to my appointment without taking a shower. Plug your nose everyone.
I found just enough energy to wash my face and clean up a little. I applied some make up to my face, put some deodorant on, sprayed myself with body spray and combed my messy hair that had not been washed for a week. I think this may have been a good enough disguise so people could not and would not know the true me that existed inside my brain.
If you do not have bipolar disorder you may not understand the inability to be able to take shower at all. Before my diagnosis of bipolar I could and would just take a shower without even a thought. It just came naturally to me, an automatic response to my morning routine. That is not the case in my brain and life anymore.
It is always difficult for me to take a shower and always takes a lot of willpower for me to shower, but it is especially difficult and nearly impossible for me when my depression overpowers my bipolar mind.
Whenever you notice I have not been reading your wonderful blogs and comments and have not made any comments on your amazing blogs and comments, please forgive me but there is always a reason.
I am usually having a bipolar symptom or two or three which interferes with my ability to read and think and process information.
For some reason it is much easier for me to write and spell out my thoughts than it is for me to think, read and comprehend words.
I am going to try to read your comments and blogs today.
I have had the determination to read comments and blogs for many days, but have not been able to accomplish these goals for some reason.
I am praying that today is the day I will make it happen.
Please watch for my comments and you will know that I was able to read, my depression is decreasing, I am improving, I am coming back and my usual hypomania I normally live with …. is back.
I am me and…
I will be able to take a shower tomorrow and…
I will not stink anymore.
I will be clean and fresh and…
smell like lavender lilacs, roses and a bouquet of daisies and lilies and…
my hair will be washed and styled looking like I just got out of the hair salon and…
my nails will be filed and polished.
I will be a clean me and…
I will be able to move and…
get some things done and…
I will be happy and…
loving life again.