My Bipolar Stalking Beast and My Beautiful Angel (Part 1 of 2)

I apologize for my long absence. I have not been able to write in my blog or read other blogs and I have missed doing both.

First of all my bipolar beast came back for a very unwelcome visit…

On Monday, February 27th I attempted to write what was occurring in my bipolar brain at the time. I wrote my thoughts of how awful I was feeling when my severe bipolar symptoms came back, but my symptoms were so severe I could not finish writing my post.

Even though my bipolar symptoms were worse on Tuesday, I tried very hard to finish writing but I couldn’t do it. After my strong desire and attempt to write I was unable to do anything else for the rest of that day other than sit immobilized in my Lazy Boy chair all day with a non-functioning bipolar brain and numb body.

Here is my edited version of my writing from Monday… finally…

My thoughts and writing from a sick bipolar brain on Monday, February 27, 2017

This is going to be very difficult to write because I usually try to stay as positive as I can, but today I am not feeling well or positive or anything really. I try to fight my bipolar beast so he cannot return to visit me. He is not welcome but he still finds a way to come back and haunt me and hurt me and cause severe pain inside me.

He broke down my door and crashed right through the walls of my body and has entered back inside my brain. It hurts and I want to cry but it actually hurts too much to cry. I cannot cry because my tears are stuck inside unable to break free.

I knew my bipolar beast has been prowling and lurking nearby trying to sneak back into my life for a long time now. My bipolar symptoms have been coming back a little bit at a time, gradually progressing in severity each day. I have been fighting my symptoms and living with them until they have progressed to where they are now.

All of a sudden my symptoms just came back with a vengeance hitting me hard with a big crash, boom, bang. Pow!  Here they are.

My bipolar beast is like a stalker and I am his stalking victim. There are crimes against being a stalker but there is no way to punish my bipolar stalking beast. The police cannot arrest this bipolar beast that stalks me and invades my heart causing severe pain inside me and in my life. They cannot punish him and put him away behind bars because he is invisible, so no one can find him or see him. I cannot even find him or see him but I know he exists and is with me because I can feel the severe pain he causes inside me.

Throughout my recovery and during my good days when my bipolar symptoms are very minimal I sometimes even forget for a while that I have bipolar. I love when that happens. I like to forget that I have bipolar. But, then there are always reminders telling me that I do have this painful invisible illness. Sometimes I remember from a symptom I have to live with and sometimes I remember due to a stigmatizing comment I hear from another person that doesn’t even know I have bipolar disorder. Their words sting at first and then ring loudly of ignorance into my ears piercing through my heart with a reminder so I cannot forget.

“Oh yeah, I have bipolar. Don’t forget.”

When I am doing well, I try not to think about the fact that I have bipolar disorder, but there is always the fear of the unknown because I never know when that cruel bipolar stalker beast is going to come back into my life and hurt me again. I never know how or when the bipolar beast is going to pounce and enter back into my life and cause pain and destruction into my life.

I have rapid cycling and mixed episodes. The rapid cycling can cause the severity of my symptoms to switch like a ticking time bomb ticking without me ever knowing the precise moment in time it will explode and how large the bomb will be.

My rapid cycling feature combined with the symptoms of my bipolar can sometimes make it difficult to live and be around others. It is so hard to pretend I am not hurting and it is hard to hold back tears sometimes when I feel like they are right at the edge of pouring out all over everything and everyone, ready to flood all of my surroundings.

I feel like I am right at the edge of something right now, but right at the edge of what? What is it? It is an indescribable feeling and pain.

I have severe anxiety right now too so it feels like a knife is stabbing my heart and my insides throughout my body and back again.

If anyone who knew me really cared about me they would have noticed the many warning signs flashing neon colors brightly into their eyes. There were so many obvious signs that even I knew something bad was brewing. The signs were so obvious and ridiculous.

I have hid in my home for weeks. I even quit going to church only because I was afraid to be around other people. I hated my appearance more and Imore and didn’t want people to see me. I liked being all alone, especially with the blinds closed enclosing me safely inside my home.

I got my new job which is awesome and truly a blessing which would normally make me very happy. However, right now am scared because I start my new job on Wednesday morning at 9:00 am for my orientation. That frightens me because I will have to leave my house and be around other people. I am so scared that my symptoms may continue as they are now or may become even worse.

One the most very recent symptoms was that my ability to recall information or remember anything at all has slowly getting worse and most recently became very bad. I could not remember anything or recall anything when I was speaking to others, like when the cable guy was just here. I couldn’t speak very well to him or with him. My words would just not come to me.

I cannot really think right now. Memories and thoughts have left my brain. It is a clean slate inside my brain. It is empty and that is scary. I would like my brain to work, at least a little bit.

As usual nothing happened to make my bipolar symptoms worse. Things have been going well in my life, but my bipolar symptoms can just change and appear out of no where. There is no rhyme reason or cause for my bipolar symptoms or to my bipolar life. It just happens.

Another sign is that I have started not to like the things I usually love. Also, I have gotten crabby more often than I usually would over things that usually would never even upset me.

I just go my income tax money back and I have been impulsively spending it on things instead of using it on bills I need to pay for, like my huge electric bill I have put off paying until I got my income tax. The gifts I bought for myself were kind of necessities too that I have just not had the money to buy for while.

I absolutely love the gifts I bought for myself and I had fun buying them. I never usually buy anything for myself, but now I have some guilt and kind of hit myself in the head because I know I should have probably spent it on a couple of my bills. Oops. Spending impulsively is another bad sign and symptom of having bipolar.

I am a textbook bipolar person. I have every sign of having bipolar disorder 1. I never have to question whether or not I really have bipolar disorder 1 as I have every single sign and symptom listed in the DSM-V Manual of Psychiatric Disorders. I think they wrote the manual after studying me.

My mixed episode is terrible right now. I want to do something and I know I should, but my brain won’t cooperate and let me do it. My mind says do it and then it says no you cant. Yes. No. Yes. No.  Maybe so.  It is like my brain is fighting within itself, a fist fight in my mind. It makes me become stuck so I cannot actually move.

The whirlwind inside my mind is going so fast it is making me dizzy. I am traveling fast but going nowhere, absolutely nowhere fast. It is as if my mind is making me travel in circles within myself. I am on a Merry-go-round inside my mind.

The pain is stabbing me in my heart. It hurts and cuts into me like a knife wound.

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Just so you know, as I am editing and writing this post now I feel much better. I will explain how my next few days went in my upcoming Part 2 post… stay tuned…  

As usual God was a big part of my recovery from my last bipolar episode and in my life.

Thank you God. I adore you.  Praise God!