With Bipolar Disorder you never know how you will wake up in the morning. The element of surprise is sometimes a great thing but not so much with bipolar disorder and trying to live your life with it.
The other day I woke up in the morning with my ugly, mean and very irritable beast ready to roar and be rude to anyone that crossed my path in the wrong way. My internal cruel and very ugly beast had been nicely hiding away for a while but he, yes my beast is a he, unexpectedly came out ready to fight and just verbally hurt anyone in the wrong path of me.
It is very painful to feel this much overwhelming anger swell up from deep inside me. This anger comes out of no where for no apparent reason. I hate feeling so much ugly painful anger and rage brewing deep inside my mind and throughout body. I seem to have no control over it at times and I can’t make it disappear until it is ready to leave me.
On this particular day after being very angry, mean, rude and hurtful to a couple of people over the phone, I had to get ready for work. I was not worried about my anger staying with me at my job because I have to hide my anger while I am working. That is easy for me to do as I love my job.
I get to help people and that always makes me very happy. There is no better feeling and satisfaction you get from helping others. I could never bring my anger with me while helping the lovely elderly people I help and assist doing home health care in their homes.
It becomes a large and beautiful distraction for me and helps bury my ugly horrific anger and irritable beast back deep inside me until it is ready to pounce out again sometime in the unexpected future, hopefully the very distant future.
I have rapid cycling, which also helps change my moods quickly and helped my irritable ugly mood go away as quickly as it unexpectedly came on. Plus, I got to help people and that will usually help cure my angry, irritable or unhappy ailments most of the time.
Irritability can be caused by mania or depression or both at the same time. Most of the time my bipolar disorder causes me to be hypomanic and have mixed episodes. This means I have symptoms of both mania and depression simultaneously.
Here are lists of symptoms of both mania and depression that can combine and blend together in many different ways during a mixed episode in many different ways depending on the moment and day. Pick and choose your colorful symptoms and paint them together creating the colorful and sometimes horrific and painful abstract masterpiece of my life.
I highlighted some words that show how my recent very mean, ugly, angry and very irritable mood fit into the bipolar symptoms I recently experienced.
Manic Episode Symptoms:
- Increased energy, activity, restlessness
- Euphoric mood
- Extreme irritability
- Poor concentration
- Racing thoughts, fast talking, jumping between ideas
- Heightened sense of self-importance
- Spending sprees
- Increased sexual behavior
- Abuse of drugs, such as cocaine, alcohol and sleeping medications
- Provocative, intrusive or aggressive behavior
- Denial that anything is wrong
Depressive Episode Symptoms:
- Sad, anxious or empty-feeling mood
- Feelings of hopelessness and pessimism
- Feelings of guilt, worthlessness and helplessness
- Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed, including sex
- Decreased energy, fatigue
- Difficulty concentrating, remembering or making decisions
- Restlessness and irritability
- Sleeplessness or sleeping too much
- Change in appetite, unintended weight loss or gain
- Bodily symptoms not caused by physical illness or injury
- Thoughts of death or suicide
My angry and irritable beast is hiding away again. Hurray!!! I feel good today except I am very sleepy now and am waiting to wake up for the day.
It will be a great day today and…
tomorrow will be even better as I get to travel to Minneapolis and watch my youngest daughter perform in her Show Choir competition. I love watching her perform and I love watching the other groups sing and dance as well. I will also get to see my mom as she will be joining us there. I have not seen her for a long time.
Thank you God for saving my life numerous times and thank you for my many abundant blessings in my life. I adore you and I praise you!