Welcome to my life and my racing rapid thoughts inside my bipolar brain.
I am running a marathon inside my bipolar brain that has no finish line.
Sometimes I wish I could slow down my mind and thoughts so I would not speak so fast and then my words and sentences would be well thought out, more important, and would last.
When I wake up in the morning, my mind is moving a mile a minute from one random thought to the next.
My racing thoughts accelerate to a rapid speed causing my brain to go so fast that words and thoughts scatter all over my mind like random puzzle pieces.
Sometimes I cannot connect the randomness of the puzzle pieces inside my mind fast enough or well enough to complete a puzzle to make any sense of any kind.
My thoughts and words stick together like glue causing them to come out in a stutter or utterances of sounds and foreign languages.
I try to reduce the internal anxiety that exists inside my body sometimes for unknown reasons, trying to remain calm and slow down my internal speed of needles and pin pricks and electrical currents sparking off throughout my body as I speak to one person or a group of people.
This internal combustion of excess energy is something I have to live with and have learned to get used to as much as possible. I always hope I can keep my internal electricity inside so no one else can see it. I do not want my body to shake on the outside like it is exploding inside myself and I also do not want my words to shake when I am speaking out loud. I must hide the combustion of my internal electrical currents from the outside world.
Most of the time I love the need for speed of my Bipolar brain. When I am hypomanic with no anxiety then I can speak quite fluidly with no problems whatsoever besides speaking faster and more than most people do. I have spoken this way my entire life, as long as I can remember anyway.
Sometimes my brain and thoughts are moving so fast that it is very difficult for me to slow it down enough to listen to “slow talkers”and comprehend their words. I feel like it takes them an eternity to get their thoughts out and I can become anxious waiting and listening for them to finish their thoughts.
A lot of times I think my Bipolar brain is lovely. I am usually quite fond of the rapidness of my speedy hypomanic brain and am happier with my faster brain. I am not use to a slow brain and I do not like it when my brain has slowed down too much causing me to get tired easier.
When my brain slows down too much, I can become depressed and reach my other extreme mood pole, which can get so slow and low that it causes a severe suicidal depression and that of course is beyond awful, unbearable and dark and dangerous.
I am also blessed in many ways to have Bipolar Disorder and to be a Bipolar Disorder survivor. We all must remember to accept the negatives and positives of Bipolar Disorder and the life we are given. There are times it is much more difficult for me to find the positives, but I must remember to be patient and always keep looking for them to appear again because they are there.
We must always have LOVE, HOPE and FAITH and always remember to PRAY.