I wanted you to be aware that my words and writing may become very dark, depressing and morbid for you later on in my post. However, I write very honestly about what it is like to have Bipolar Disorder and live inside a Bipolar mind.
I knew my Bipolar Disorder was beginning to spiral out of control, but it just hadn’t quite reached the very top or the very bottom of my Bipolar spiraling staircase yet. I felt like I was going somewhere soon though.
I have severe Bipolar Disorder 1 with mixed episodes and ultridian rapid cycling. Ultaidian rapid cycling means that I can switch from mania to depression a few times within the same day, days or weeks. Mixed episodes mean that I can be both manic and depressed at the very same time.
I was hospitalized to save my life about four months ago due to my very scary deep dark suicidal depression. After surviving that suicidal depression, I skyrocketed up my spiral staircase to a hypomanic mood pole where I usually am most of the time. For the last four months, I have been hypomanic and have felt very happy, sometimes bordering on euphoria. When I am hypomanic, my mind is usually full of rapid racing thoughts, I have a lot of energy and am able to do many things and get a lot of things done. I have lived this way most of my life, so I am used to being hypomanic and feel most comfortable there.
However, about two weeks ago I began to notice that my moods started to change again. My rapid thoughts continued to go even faster and began to get more jumbled up and I began to become too euphorically optimistic about myself and life. On the other hand my depression began to get worse as well.
I knew something was really wrong with me when for some reason I started to lose interest in the things I usually love like the Holidays of Thanksgiving and Christmas, which would be here soon. My mixed episode started to become worse as I noticed that I was becoming more depressed and my mania was increasing at the same time.
Unfortunately, there is no way for me to control the chemical imbalance inside of brain because it changes whenever it wants to and there are no other medications I can take right now. The cycles of my extreme mood changes lately have been that I stay at the upper ends of hypomania most of the time and then abruptly fall down to below the very bottom step of my spiral staircase into the underground depths of death and hell. There is no middle mood pole. I am either very hypomanic or reach a severe suicidal depression.
Last weekend something triggered my Bipolar brain chemistry to crash and fall quickly to a very severe deep dark dangerous suicidal depression of hell. I was beyond sad having no feelings at all. I felt nothing. I felt like I was dead. I could no longer exist this way any longer. My life was over. I was exhausted and could not continue to keep struggling and fighting this illness any longer. I could not crawl out of the grave I was stuck and immobilized in. I did not want to fight to live anymore. This deep dark grave was a scary and very unwelcome horrific place to be.
I already felt dead and all I could think about was death. Death and dying was the only thing that gave me some peace of mind and made me feel better. My morbid thoughts were flooded with death. That was all I could think about and I decided that it was time to leave this earth. This time it was it. I was ready to die.
I knew I had enough pills. I was excited thinking about my plan of going to a nice hotel, laying in their nice bed and relaxing as I took my life ending amount of pills and slowly waited to fall asleep and never wake up. Those were my very sad and scary thoughts that filled and overcrowded my mind. This is part of my suicidal plan that I have had for years because I would never commit suicide in my own home as I would not ever want my children to be the ones that would find my body. Also, I promised myself I would never commit suicide without writing suicide notes to my three children expressing to them how sorry I was and expressing my huge deep deep love I have for them always and forever .
So, I began the process of sadly writing my long suicide notes. I think I had written about seven pages and I still wasn’t finished yet. I had a lot to say as this would be my last communication with them on earth before i saw them again in heaven.
I knew I was truly getting very close to death. Even though my brain was actually shutting down and my brain was not working for some reason I had a tiny bit of normal chemistry left inside of my brain and I thought I needed to speak to God, “God please give me a sign. I need some sort of sign. Please God give me a sign.” That was all I said and then I went back to writing my suicide notes.
It took every bit of strength and energy I had left inside my very weak body and broken brain to write my suicide notes. As I was writing my notes, God told my oldest daughter Kylie to call me on the phone. I answered the phone and we had a long painful slow process of a life changing conversation that resurfaced a tiny spark of hope, light, life and the will to live that was buried somewhere deep within myself. However, the spark was tiny and I still wanted to die.I wasn’t sure if I could continue to fight to live again, so I went back to writing my suicide notes.
Then God showed up again and showed His mighty power by telling my son Keagan to call me. Keagan doesn’t call me very often either. Wow! That was my baby boy. l talked to him longer than we usually talk and we had a beautiful conversation. More of my life came pouring and shining brightly back into my heart and spirit and soul. Kylie ignited my spark to live and Keagan finished turning my spark into a huge flame of light, love, and life filling my spirit and soul with the desire to start living again. Thank you God.
I whispered faintly to God and he heard me shouting to Him. He once again answered my prayers like He always has so many times throughout my life. Praise God. He is so awesome all of the time.
Other than it being God of course, I have no idea how it is possible that my brain chemistry can change so abruptly and back again so quickly in less than a week. I went from being highly hypomanic to a deep dark suicidal depression and now back again to hypomania where I am happy to be alive. How is that possible? I would never believe that could happen except for the fact that I just survived living through it. My extreme ultradian rapid cycling Bipolar brain fascinates me. I hate it and it amazes me at the same time.
I apologize to all of you that may have been saddened and bothered by the morbidity and sadness of my writing. However, I write the truth of what it is like to live inside a Bipolar brain and this is the hell and struggles that many of us have to live with. However, Bipolar is not all bad. There are many things I love about it and who it makes me to be. This experience just happened to me and I had to live through it and survive it. I am just here to educate and maybe share my story helping others realize they are not alone if they have gone through similar struggles.
I just lived through this very dark, scary, severe suicidal depression experience and I survived it. I want to be an inspiration for all of you to realize that there is always hope. No matter what the size, shape or type of hope it is, There is still hope It will get better. It can, it will and it does.
Peace and blessings to all of you forever and always. Hugs.