With the music video”Hallelujah” by Jess Buckley… in the middle of this post.
I have been mostly hypomanic lately meaning my mind has been moving very quickly and nonstop with racing thoughts, rapid speech and sometimes nonstop talking. However, today my Bipolar rapid cycling changed my hypomania mood to a mixed episode. My mixed episode has both depression and mania mood poles. My depression and mania are not at extreme levels, so I describe this mixed episode as a melancholy euphoria.
Blank joy, nothing joy, happy nothingness. Combining the two feelings causes my mood not to be a good feeling or a bad feeling, but a feeling of nothingness. This numbing relaxation makes it almost reach a type of high euphoric feeling.
I feel a mixture of feeling way too much and so deeply that I could explode to feeling nothing and empty at the exact same time. I call this mixture of mood poles a euphoria mixed together with a sad numb feeling.
My mixed episode is a mixture of moods that combine to create a beautiful mixture of hues of euphoria and depression and when they combine they create a beautiful peace and melancholy feeling that is numbing to my mind and body. My Bipolar mind and chemically imbalanced brain can sometimes produce a good unbalance producing this mood feeling of euphoric melancholy.
Also, I have been isolating a lot lately. I feel good during my isolation. It is such a beautiful safe place to be to be stuck within myself and deep within my mind. No one can hurt me here. I will not hurt myself either. I am here and no one else can come in. This makes me happy. It may not be a very healthy place to be. Wanting to be all alone is not healthy. I know this. But this feeling and need to isolate is a welcome visitor. This is a place of isolation and disassociation where I sometimes choose to be.
Music can take me to places where I cannot travel alone and it can speak for me and to me.
I love to and sometimes need to listen to music or a song or watch a dance that comforts me and connects with my emotions I am experiencing. Also, I think it helps me to use music, a song or dance that connects with the emotions I am experiencing to help me explain my Bipolar Disorder.
I chose this song “Hallelujah” to help you understand what the mixed episode of my bipolar mind feels like. Hallelujah is an expression of worship or rejoicing and this song is sung with deep emotion, feeling and sadness. This was the best example I could find of what my mixed episode of euphoric melancholy feels like illustrating its sadness and beauty through this video.
Please listen to this song with me. Listen deeply and intently. Then you can experience my mixed episode with me at least for a little while and can begin to understand what it is like inside one of my mixed episodes inside my Bipolar mind.
Jeff Buckley sings this song with deep raw emotion illustrated at the surface of his face, mood and soul. It almost seems like he is at the verge of crying. His mouth barely moves as he is singing as if he is numb, comfortably numb at times.
Listen closely and enjoy the beauty of the rhythm and melody of the music, lyrics and his soothing soft pure voice. This song is sad and very beautiful at the same time and emotes very deep emotions, like my Bipolar mixed episode.
Listening to this song is comforting to me right now, because it seems like the singer feels like I do. I feel like he can relate to me as I can relate to him and how he feels. He is my very unreal but real distant cyber video friend.
This is the way I feel right now, but it will not last long and I will change back to my hypomanic mood very soon. This has been the sequence of the mood cycles I have been experiencing lately.